Three Girls, No Guys, and a Piece of Cardboard
by SammieGrace30
Summary: How many times have you seen this? 3 Girls are transported to ME! Not a Mary-Sue and just good old humor and elf groping! These always looked like fun so we figured we'd try it!
1. Demon Flies

Mel: Hey, guys this fanfic is a first for us and yea we need constructive criticisms! NO FLAMES! I have absolutely no comprehension as to why people are that immature, I mean if you have something bad to say about a story here's what you do, take a piece of paper and a writing utensil, write down all your comments, fold it TWICE and then rip it up. This way it's out of your system and you can X out of the story and nobody's feelings get hurt ::grins:: Ok now I can be nice again ::smiles::

Disclaimer: We own, nothing, no property, animals, or llamas!

Summary: Three, erm _average_ teens are sucked into Middle Earth! NO Mary-Sue! It's humorous (I hope) and there are violated elves galore!

No elves were harmed in the making of this fic!

Random elf: That's what you think!

Mel: Shaddup and go back to being silent and gorgeous will you?!

Descriptions of our main characters:

Liz- 17 yr old girl, about 5'4" with straight, dark brown hair that wisps down to her mid-back. Never fearing to come up with a sarcastic blow or a literal blow, this lass is quite the cheeky one. Rather enraptured by Dom Monaghan's (Merry) deep endless eyes and sly grin, Liz goes gooey at words containing Dom examples: ranDom, freeDom Dominatrix and the like. Often considered the pervy hobbit fancier of the group she also is highly attracted to kilts, eyeliner and guitar men.

Sam- Again 17 yrs old. About 5'3". Never failing to bounce gleefully behind her are her long, golden curls, nearly reaching her shoulder blades. Her ears are ever perked to hear the mention of the word 'kiwi' or for the ones who haven't heard the story, (the very few) Craig Parker aka Haldir Marchwarden of Lorien. Her knight in shining... err leather pants. Also the swooner of the Elf Princeling of Mirkwood, or any pointy-eared elfling foolish enough to cross her path. A dreamer, a thinker, a definite blonde, Sam often feels the need to remind those around her of her literal roots, whilst keeping them on their toes with humorous and philosophical questions so far out of the box it takes a fine lasso of yogurt and staples to get her back.

Mandi- What a surprise she's 17! About 5'5" and she has light blonde straight hair that hangs past her shoulders. Has quite the luster for that blonde, beautiful, err buoyant Elf, Legolas Greenleaf. Also striking her fancy is the dashing Josh Hartnett and the musically inclined Chester. Always ready for a good laugh and an incredibly, unbelievably hilarious adventure, Mandi is one of a kind... Err, well since we are all made up of different cells, chromosomes and THWAP

Prologue:

"DIE BEAST!!" cried a hyperactive blonde girl running through the room.

"Sam! Calm down, it's just a fly." said her friend, Elizabeth, Liz for short.

"B-bu-but-it-it-"protested Sam.

"No it didn't" Liz interrupted.

"It didn't?"

"No."

"…oh…ok."

Liz sighed as she flipped her dark brown hair over her shoulder, Just another Friday night sleepover. Suddenly, the doorbell rang, knocking her out of her reverie.

"Oh plums and penguins! Mandi's here!" cried the blonde haired girl.

"Hee hee…Ickle, bickle mandi-kins is here. Doot, doot, doot, doo," Liz sang jubilantly down the corridor.

She hurried to the door, prepared to embrace her friend in a bone-crushing hug. However, Liz was rather shocked not to find the smiling friend she had anticipated, but two men, both in their late thirties. One was rather plump, his mahogany hair graying. The other was so tall he could've gone out for the NBA.

"Do you realize somebody sacrificed their life for you?" the blueberry-esque man proclaimed. _'Holy annoying Jehovah's witnesses on the doorstep Batman.'_ Liz thought irritably.

"Liz," called Sam "that goat is ready to be sacri- oops, didn't realize we had company."

As she came down the stairwell, a barely noticeable malevolent smirk appeared on her face. Liz gave a curt nod and a small grin to show her understanding. They were gonna have some fun.

 "Hello big boys" Sam said in a falsely seductive voice as she walked down the stairs. Unfortunately, on the third stair from the bottom, she tripped with a shout of "Jesus Christ!" at the top of her lungs.

The two men look scandalized. "Demons!" cried the beanstalky guy "Mark my words the devil will get ahold of you yet! You'll go straight to hell!"

They ran away as if a wiener dog was hot on their tails (no pun intended)

_'_They're probably going to go have a holy water battle with super-soakers.' Sam thought as she sidled up to the door. 'Lucky brats, they get to have all the fun.'

"Why do they always say that?" Liz asked with feigned innocence.

"Maybe, it's because you're both nuts?" interjected a new voice, having observed the whole scene.

"Mandi!" they cried in joy.

"That was so funny did you see th-"But Mandi's words of congratulations were cut off by a _buzzzzzzzzzing_ sound.

"Omigosh! They were right! You guys _are_ going to hell...AND NOW I AM TOO! Stupid pineapples, why do I hang out with you!?"

"Relax, we aren't going to hell" Sam reasoned, "…well we probably will but it will be for something entirely different than this. I'm thinking rape and unlawful marriage…Its just that demon fly again. Don't worry I'll get him." She proclaimed boldly, "Fly Swatter, AWAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!"

"Guys hate to interrupt…but Sir Nance-A-Lot is staring at me again." Liz said uneasily.

"Precioussssssss……" murmured the other two incoherently, as they stared longingly at the cardboard cutout of Legolas Greenleaf.

"Hey my fellow purple strawberries. Let's watch your, ahem, precious-" Liz started

"_MY_ precious." Sam stated possessively.

"As I was saying," Liz interjected quickly as Mandi was about to open her mouth to argue. "Let's watch YOUR (that's plural dearies) precious...video style.

"Makin' movie munchies with Mandi," the brunette chanted in the kitchen, conga style, whilst looking for food.

"Guyyyyyyyys, its Leggy-kins time! Leggy! LEGGY!" wailed Sam from the living room.

Mandi squealed with delight and ran from the kitchen now laden with wittles, Liz following in suit. All three settled in 'round the tube gazing (and drooling) contentedly.

_'BUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ'_

"DIEEEEEEEEE!!" erupted Sam in a defiant war cry. Jumping to her feet, the teen flailed after the sound, blonde curls bouncing.

"Mandi maybe-" _TWARP  _"DIE!" "you should-" _CRASH TWARP_  "pause-" _BANG _"the movie." Liz said, her words punctuated by the huntress' war cries.

_THWAMMMMMM!........_ "BWAHAAAHAAAA!!!"

The three gazed around the room, noting its disheveled appearance. Sam then proceeded to do the victory dance.(a cross between the twist, the mountie/hick dance, and the Macarena) The other two joined in but all were quickly ceased by the sound of a certain elven voice.

"Mandi," moaned Liz, "didn't ya pause it?!"

"Cha! Of course I did. I dunno why it's talking!"

With that said, the teens quickly pivoted towards the screen. It was still paused. With confused faces, they looked at each other, gasping in shock when the voice spoke again.

"Come with me," it beckoned urgently, "you must come with me."

Sam looked bewilderedly at her purple flyswatter, while Mandi examined the remote in fascination. Liz's gaze slowly swept across the room stopping on the cardboard cutout.

"Uhh hey guys, umm, heh heh, the- it's, uh" she too shocked by what she saw to form a coherent sentence. The voice spoke again,

"Come, we must be swift."

All the girls were now completely freaked out by what they were seeing. The elf-shaped cutout, was urging them to join him.

"You have slain his beloved beast," he pleaded, "he will send for you, we need your help please come."

He extended his cardboard hand for them to take ahold of. The girls stood there in total shock until Mandi said,

"Last time I checked, when a sexy piece of cardboard asks you to go, you well, go."

With that, she stepped forward hesitantly, with the other two following slowly behind her.

The moment their hands touched, everything in the room went wonky. It was as if a vacuum had been created and the three girls were sucked in. As they went, all that could be heard was Liz's traveling voice yelling,

"I told you it was looking at meee!!!!"

Well what do you think? Keep in mind this is a first attempt and we need all the reviews we can get so get going and you get a umm hug and err well let me see checks pockets a hall pass, and a penny, and oooh someone lucky out there gets pocket lint! looks proud

REVIEW!!!!!!

Elves and Spoons,

Nessa, Luthien, and Melawen


	2. Macaroni and Cheese

Mel: Hey guys sorry about the wait! I'm too lazy for my own good and never had a time to type it up! Well hey thank you to my 2 star reviewers.....well actually my only two reviewers I love you both!!!! (Mandi you don't count!!) Well anyways with out any further ado....chapter 1!  
  
Disclaimer: We own nothing.....unfortunately! But hey a girl can dream can't she? Everything you see and recognize belongs to JRR Tolkien!  
  
No elves were harmed the making of this fic...  
  
Legolas: Speak for yourself!!  
  
Mel: Leggo-luv shush it!!! Or you WON'T be getting your shirt back!  
  
Legolas: .::whimpers::.  
  
Nes: ::Chuckles manically at the bondage Mel put the poor pointy eared prince through::  
  
**  
  
Chapter One  
  
The three girls were shocked as they flew through the time/space continuum. Sam began to fidget nervously.  
  
"Umm guys, do you remember the bleacher incident..." she said.  
  
"Ya mean the one where Mandi jumped off screaming 'I CAN FLY' and we fell off from laughing so hard?" Liz questioned.  
  
"Yurp, and do you remember what we said about gravity after that?"  
  
"Oh! Oh I know! Pick me! Pick me!" Mandi squealed like a little puppy.  
  
"Ok Mandi, go ahead" Sam said exasperatedly.  
  
"We said we'd never trust gravity again because it's prejudiced against teenage girls." She said promptly.  
  
"Now that that is out of the way. Can I now point out that we are FLOATING! Quick plan B! Plan B!"  
  
The girls then began to flap their hands like the perverted penguins they all wish to be.  
  
**  
  
Suddenly a great brightness enclosed around them and they were in a courtyard full of males, still flapping away. Liz opened her eyes,  
  
"Holy fire on the spam can! We landed in heaven!"  
  
"Normally" Sam began in awe "I'd believe you. But you two in heaven?! Puh- lease!"  
  
"US?!" Mandi exclaimed, "You're the one that got us cursed by those Jehovah's witnesses, AND burnt down the gym last year!"  
  
"I still say there was a vampire in there" she responded stubbornly.  
  
"Guys! Stop bickering amongst yourselves and look around." Liz interjected stopping the would-have-been fight.  
  
"Yes mother" the two responded sarcastically.  
  
"So," interjected a new voice, full of power and wisdom," it looks as if we have some visitors."  
  
The girls turned around and stared at a tall elf, with dark brown hair, dressed in a purple robe (A/N cough*dress*cough)  
  
"Well smack me Sally and call me Bob." Said Mandi, "it's Captain French Fry!"  
  
"How the dickens did we get here? Better yet, why are we here?" Liz pondered aloud.  
  
"Coincidently, I was wondering the same thing." Said the sugar plum fair- err...elf.  
  
"Dude," curly haired teen said in awe, "do ya think he's real?"  
  
"Of course I am re-" the elf lord began, but was cut off by an uncomfortable sensation in his arm.  
  
"Sure feels real to me." Liz declared prodding Elrond in the arm.  
  
Said elf quickly pulled his arm from the brunette and summoned a couple of surly-looking elves.  
  
"Take them to my study so they may be questioned priv-" however, he was interrupted yet again, this time by a deep booming voice.  
  
"It was I who beckoned them here." The beings gathered all turned to look at the old, weathered looking man who had spoken.  
  
"Gandalf, I usually trust your judgments but these are but young girls, how could they be of use."  
  
"HEY!" Sam argued, "I'll have you know, I killed a fly, that's right! A fly, and it was a demon one at that!"  
  
"YEAH," Liz added, "and I talk anyone to death so there!"  
  
"AND..I can make macaroni and cheese without killing myself." Mandi proclaimed.  
  
"I am sure these are admirable traits, where you hail from miladies but they seem to be of little use to middle-earth and its pending fate." Elrond reasoned.  
  
"Never" Mandi said in a deadly whisper, "underestimate the powers of macaroni and cheese, in front of me."  
  
"I foresaw great terror," the wizard broke in "and these young girls, Lord Elrond proved themselves to be worthy of this privilege."  
  
Both of them then turned to the girls to see what they would say to this, but it seemed only Liz was paying any slight attention, as the other two had lost interest in the conversation and were now looking around the circle of beings as if they were searching for a certain someone. Simultaneously, their gazes locked on their prey and before anyone could blink they threw themselves upon the unsuspecting Prince of Mirkwood with shouts of "PRECIOUS!" and "LEGGY-DARLING!"  
  
**  
  
The poor elf in question was too shocked to say anything and soon found himself being petted and squeezed into oblivion. The girls were in complete bliss. That is until the other elves, who had by now overcome their initial shock, started to pull them away from Legolas.  
  
"NO!" cried Sam defiantly, "MINE! He's mine damnit! Back off you rogue! I'll bite you goldilocks, don't tempt me! Lemme go! Let me go! I've waited 17 forking years for this moment! LET ME GO!"  
  
Mandi was making similar threats. Then suddenly, she was struck with an idea so great it felt like she got hit with Sam's fly swatter (A/N heh heh)  
  
"Hey!" she cried, "look a TREE!"  
  
The gathered elves, being the, well...elves they are, stopped pulling the girls and looked at the grand spectacle.  
  
"Suckas!" the mischievous blonde said.  
  
"Lolliepops!? Where!? Where?! I need sugar!" Liz screamed frantically.  
  
"Not lolliepops you blustering noodle! They were fooled by my ingenious plan."  
  
"Umm, Ego much?"  
  
While the two friends bantered back and forth Sam was petting her elf squeaking in middle earthian fan-girl bliss.  
  
"Milady," interjected Legolas, who seemed to have finally regained some of his motor skills, "do you think you could possibly release me?"  
  
"Leggo-my-eggo!" she squeaked, "you're better than all the pop tarts this side of the milky-way!"  
  
"Well, thank you, I think. However I am finding it hard to breathe at the moment."  
  
"Ahh!!!" cried Mandi, "you're hurting the precious!"  
  
"Noooo! I've sinned against all that is fan-girl-dom.  
  
"Dom?! WHERE?!" cried Liz," Dom! DOM! I love you!!!"  
  
"What's a Dom?" a foreign voice asked.  
  
"THE Dom, thank you very much." Liz said haughtily, "and for your information he is...he's...umm...I suddenly don't really remember."  
  
"LIZ!" Mandi yelled in disbelief, " how can you not remember your Dom? He's your...err...well...umm."  
  
"It's as I feared, their memory of their world is rapidly deteriorating. Not all but most. They should remember everything that they held dear, save a few sporadic memories " Gandalf explained solemnly.  
  
"Kilts?" Liz whimpered pitifully, "toast?"  
  
"Orli-luv?" Sam broke down, "Kiwi?"  
  
"Archery?" Mandi cried, "fan-fics?"  
  
"The council will be postponed until we get our new visitors situated." Elrond Half-elven proclaimed.  
  
**  
  
"So basically this is one pissed off possessed ring." Mandi said after Gandalf finished explaining the ordeal of the One Ring to the three girls.  
  
"That is only a part of it, the Dark Lord controls the Ring, and he wants it back so he can rule Middle Earth and bring darkness to all." Mithrandir said exasperatedly, for this was the fourth time he had explained this.  
  
"How can a hunk of metal, a tacky hunk of metal, but a hunk of metal nonetheless be evil?" Sam inquired.  
  
"Well you see..."  
  
"What would've happened if it hadn't been his size?" Liz pondered aloud.  
  
The old man threw up his arms in frustration and stormed from the room muttering about the danger of teenage girls to the elderly.  
  
"Way to go fruitpop, now Santa wants to rip our eyeballs out with a spoon." Mandi growled.  
  
"He always gets like that, " curly haired boy, no man, said as he entered the room, "So you should not fret about it too much.."  
  
"Sure, that's what they all say, and it true until he turns you into a cabbage and feeds you to his horse" a second one said, this one younger than the first. Though it was impossible to tell by height, only by their faces.  
  
"Ooooh... Ickle Bickle, err...little people." Liz sang, badly. (A/N Nessa: I do NOT sing that badly miss Mel! Unless you've actually heard me...Mel: well Nessa m'dear I fear for my life too much to actually hear you)  
  
"Hobbits, milady." The first proclaimed, "Meriadoc Brandybuck at your service. But please call me Merry."  
  
"And I am Peregrin Took, Pippin if you please." Said the second hobbit.  
  
"Miladies?" said a nervous-looking elf at the doorway, " Lord Elrond requests your presence in his study. If you would please follow me."  
  
**  
  
Well?? There you are! Like it? Hate it? Let us know!!! Please review! We'll try and update soon!  
  
Elves and spoons,  
  
Luthien, Nessa, and Melawen 


	3. NOTE: Thank you's and some real life fun...

Melawen: I am sooo happy!!! 8 Reveiws! (Mandi you get to count this time savvy?) Ness: *also radiates with glee*  
  
This is just an author's note because we're both bored and feel like sharing our collective LotR related blonde moments, plus thanking all our wonderful reviewers!  
  
Cookies-will-invade- Mel- being crazy is fun! There is no other way to be in my opinion! Thanx so much and We'll update soon! Ness-Cookies are good..mmmm  
  
Rubber duckie lvr- Mel-dukkies! They rock! But I digress, thank you! Ness- I ISH DUCKIES! hahaaa I once wanted a pet duck.. I'd install a pond in my hallway and let the little quacker flourish..Mum didn't like that idea to much..what a shame!  
  
SidheFae- Mel-Mandi-pies!!!! You count now! Lol you're story is great and you didn't sink to my level at ALL! Lol our blonde moments are gonna be plastered all over FanFiction now lol so there is no hiding! Stand up and shout, I am proud to be BLONDE! Come on do it do it! We need to get u to add author's notes too! Ness-Aww Mandus I love you to death! My uber-badger tickler!  
  
Willow Myst- Mel-hey thanx! We try to be original lol but I'm glad you thought it was funny, half of this stuff is based off actual life.....kinda. Nessa-Sad, but true most of this IS real, but I stress...do NOT try talking to cardboard boxes at home..dangerous, risky buisness here... Don't fret..we're trained professionals!  
  
Azaelia2- Nessa-Hope ya didn't get any rugburns whilst down there tee hee Glad we tickle your fancy! We'll update as soon as we can, however seeing as we do the majority of our writing during our time at the hell hole..err school, we don't always have too much time, but we try ^_^  
  
ElijahWLuver28- Nessa- Ahhh did you catch your Elwood man on Leno and on SNL? Can't wait to see him on Saturday night live tonight he'll be hilarious!! Hope you'll like our next chappy! ** Mel: Ok I promise we'll update soon, by the end of the week at latest....don't hurt me and I'm so glad that you guys want more, it means more to me than Onions...well everything means more to me than onions but umm......more than well something important.  
  
Ok for the blonde moments: We were all at my house watching the extended version of TTT.....Mandi and I were quoting Gollum...a lot. Liz was superwoman, seeing through my blankets. Mandi and I fainted at just about every elf. And I cried when Haldir died......::sniff::. But the blonde moments were when Liz went to my bathroom and accidentally turned on the fan, came running out to use saying Sam, something in your bathroom is growling at me, I was like huh? And she said your bathroom is growling at me! So I went and switched the fan off and we laughed at her! Lol! I'll let Nessa defend herself and tell the other blonde moment....... Nessa- How the dickens was I to know your fan was viscous!?? Well okay which blonde moment you airhead..(Mel-you're so mean to me!) the one where the cover of something on the deck went flying about b/c of the rain and wind? And you ran out in your socks and almost got swallowed by it until about 10 minutes later you realized you could tuck it under the chair? (Mel- It ATTACKED ME!) Oooh!! Or the one where you were out making mac N cheese and reached into the drawer to display two utensils and questions Mandi and I, "Elves or spoons?" and continued to stare blankly at us giggly, sputtering fools, till you noticed your boo boo? T'was a lovely one that one, Classic..never looking at silverware the same way eh? You silly straight haired stomach! (Mel- I was distracted by the sexy elves that had just marched in to save the day!)  
  
Elves and spoons,  
  
Melawen And Nessypoo! .::has just realized the correlation between her elven name and the scottish lake monster...continues to laugh manically and decides to message Mel about her revelation::.  
  
Mel- I was not surprised in the least that Nessa's name is related to a misunderstood lake monster who most likely wants to destroy the world...any guesses why? 


	4. Seafood babies and Stubby tails

Mel: Here it is! Chapter two! I am sooo excited thank you for everyone who reviewed!!  
  
Dough Monkey-OMG! I'm soo happy you put me on your fav authors list!!! Wow that just gave a boost to my self esteem! I appreciate and wuv you!!!!! Thank you soo much! Enjoy!  
  
ZombieGurl98-Thanx! I'm glad you liked it! Yah know with all this positive input I'm just gonna float away.......lol well here ya go!!!  
  
Disclaimer: I own nothing, if I did I'd live in Craig or Orlando's house and be rich....blackmail is sweet after all...heh heh!  
  
No Elves were harmed in the making of this fic....BTW I cannot wait for Haldir to come into the story!!!!  
  
Haldir: phcnghhh .::muffled by gag::.  
  
Mel: aww I love you too!  
  
Haldir: .::gets scared puppy dog elf look::.  
  
**  
  
Lord Elrond paced his study restlessly, which was unusual for the normally placid elf.  
  
"With those charming children here, Middle Earth stands no chance against evil. What were you thinking Gandalf?!"  
  
"Do not lose hope my friend" Gandalf said, with that annoying all knowing expression playing across his face," They will be exactly what the Fellowship will need on their quest. In all my long years, I have never seen such unbridled passion in anyone."  
  
"And what happens when they get caught?!"  
  
"I'm abashed, Sir Elrond. How dare you give us the short end of the garlic breadstick?!" Liz mused from the doorway.  
  
"Breadsticks?" Mandi whined, "My tummy is growling like a gorilla on a midsummer's 'Noon."  
  
"Ahh, we have a multitude of commodities to satiate your...gorilla...if desired" Elrod offered.  
  
"Munchies! Sweet!" Sam squealed.  
  
"Aye, we may dine, however, forget naught that we must yet discuss the fate of the world..." (A/N: Nessa apologizes for the usage of Aye but she squeals that she cannae refuse a wee bit o Scottish in tha story)  
  
**  
  
"Dude, what's this brownish stuff?" Mandi inquired. (A/N: No it's not a "Terd...a piece of poo" Thanks Elwood...Nessa)  
  
"That would be Usquenea...a scrumptious infusion of Mirkwood bark, the greenest moss and..."  
  
"Ewwww!" Mandi moaned and slid the plate away.  
  
"Actually..." Sam said, spraying food particles everywhere, "Its not to shabby!" And continued to shovel more in.  
  
"Bleck!" Liz muttered.  
  
"I'll second that!" Chirped the little man who introduced himself as Merry, "I'm much more partial to the fruits and elven breads meself!"  
  
He took up the basket containing the pastries and passed them to the wide eyed girls. They sampled it.  
  
"Holy exploding taste buds on a floating raft this is great!" Mandi nearly jumped out of her seat with satisfaction.  
  
"Almost...Almost as good as the Red Lobster biscuits..."  
  
As Liz dreamed of her biscuits Sam asked the question that had been circulating in her mind, "What if the lobsters somehow laid eggs in the biscuits?"  
  
"Then," Mandi reasoned, "We'd be harboring little bittle baby lobsters in our tum-tum-tummies!"  
  
"I'm gonna be a mommy!" Sam gushed.  
  
Liz smacked her forehead and Mandi dryly said, "Yeah...a sea-food mommy..."  
  
"I'm gonna name one Squi--Liz..." Sam said carefully," I told you before I don't swing that way, so could you PLEASE stop touching my leg?!"  
  
"You lookie here miss muffin! I don't swing that way either! Just because there was that one drunken night where I winked at you does NOT mean I wanted you okay?!? And I am NOT touching your leg!" Liz growled. (A/N: Ness- and yes ladies and GENTS I like the boys...and guys and Johnny Depp who is a totally different category himself)  
  
Sammie shot Liz the I'm-blonde-so don't-mess-with-me-my-vocabulary-isn't- big-enough look.(A/N: Mel- I speak for myself and Mandi when I say I RESENT THAT!) The girls scooted their chairs back, then bent down to look under the table...low and behold under it they found  
  
"Evil Chipmunks of errr...Evilness! AAAH!!!" They cried, bolting from the table faster than that damn old lady wins BINGO. (A/N: Mel- that ALWAYS pisses me off!)  
  
On their way out, the ran into a group of dwarves, literally.  
  
"Sorry ickle dwarven dudes!" Liz hollered over her shoulder, "But there be demonic chippies afoot! Arrggh"  
  
When the girls thought they were far enough away they slowed to a walk and stopped completely when they saw two lone figures, perched upon a secluded bridge, completely immersed in each other.  
  
"Guys," Mandi whispered, "It's he-who-has-too-many-names and his purple princess on the drawbridge of doom!"  
  
"Dun dun duun" Liz inserted...then added, "To walk on the draw bride bears the penalty of death."  
  
"Or at least severe torture" Sam said with a devilish grin.  
  
The teens walked quickly to the bridge, up to the lovely birds of happiness who amazingly enough still hadn't noticed the malevolent girls' presence.  
  
'Of course' Mandi thought, 'it must be hard to focus with somebody's tongue down your throat'  
  
The three snuck up to the couple, getting right up to their ears, yelling  
  
"CONSTANT VIGILANCE!"  
  
Then promptly pushed the two from the bridge, into the watery depths below. Laughing insanely, they ran off into the night...well more like the palace, but to each their own.  
  
"Just where might you girls be going?" Tinkie winkie...err Lord Elrond said, coming behind them. (A/N: Nessa-Mel you pig!)  
  
"Eemmm...Insane?" Mandi offered nervously.  
  
"Been there, done that, but they were out of the t-shirts." Sam said nonchalantly.  
  
"Well my young charges, it is time we go discuss how you came, and what your purpose here is, in more detail. Please," He beckoned, "Follow me."  
  
Shifting uncomfortably under Ellypoo's piercing gaze, they obliged...with Liz thinking, 'Maybe he wants more than to just discuss...pervy eyebrow man...'  
  
**  
  
"I shall wait until Gandalf arrives to question you. Perhaps he has valuable insight on your tale."  
  
"My dog had a tail" Mandi randomly spouted off, "But it was blind in one eye and ran under a parked car. His tail got caught under the tire. Now he runs around wagging his little stubby."  
  
Lord Elrond was saved from commenting on the young girl's story by the arrival of the Grey Pilgrim.  
  
"Aaah Mithrandir" He began, "Now that you are here, please explain to us all why you chose to summon these ladies to Middle Earth."  
  
"Tis a very simple tale, my Lord."  
  
At this point Sam clamped a hand over Mandi's mouth as to prevent any more peculiarities from erupting, however it may have been the wrong mouth to grab..  
  
"It all began on a dark and stormy eve. The thunder boomed through the hills as if the Ents were playing nine pin. The rain battered, tattered, pitter, pattered upon the roof of the Prancing Pony. The floor boards squeaked and creaked beneath the wandering feet of the men, squished and squelched from the multitude of liquor that frequented the old wood from the tipsy, tin mugs. There was an odor, and odor of pipe, of mead, of sweat, and of need...Need for three heroines to help protect our world! The land we all know and love, Middle Earth."  
  
"Eemmm...Sorry about that...SOMEBODY has a problem with going on long, story telling tangents.." Sam said with a pointed look.  
  
The room looked at Liz with a mix of amusement and confusion.  
  
"Sorry Gandalf darling, please, continue your story ole chap!" Liz chirped.  
  
"Well she had the stormy night part correct" Gandalf Greyham began, with that twinkle of laughter in his eyes, (A/N: Ness- Damn the twinkles Damn them to hell!) "And I was just resting about, when I got a vision...A vision of you, my dear Samantha"  
  
"Eep! I...errr...I swear those weren't mine I was just holding them for a friend!"  
  
"No, no you misunderstand me child. The vision occurred when you bought a certain piece of...I believe it was called cardboard."  
  
"You mean our precioussss?"  
  
"Yes, that is what you called it. I quickly realized that I could see into this alternate world through the eyes of this structure. I also suspected that the enemy would soon gather spies to look upon this world as well. As it turned out, I was right. That 'fly' as you called it was the biggest life form that the Saruman could have travel through the time/space continuum. I felt the evil presence of it the moment it flew into your household. And I knew that you three felt it too..."  
  
"Actually, it was just annoying and it was my nerves, stoopid demon fly." Sam corrected.  
  
"Still, would you attack any other fly with that much ferocity?" With their negative reply he continued, "Just as I suspected. Anyway, once I saw that they had battled and slain the beast."  
  
Again he was cut off, this time by Mandi, "Umm Gandy-dude, it was just a fly..."  
  
"As I was saying, once I saw they had slain the beast" he gave them a look to prove his point, "I immediately knew they were in danger. For Saruman and Sauron's wrath would be terrible. I summoned them here, although I suppose it might have been quite a shock to them."  
  
"Very well," Lord Elrond said as he stood up "if that is all then we are finished for tonight. The Council will reconvene tomorrow at 11 o' clock. I want the three of you to attend."  
  
"Awesome!" Liz cried, "French-fry guy I have one question though."  
  
"Yeees?" the elven lord said uncertainly.  
  
"Why did you name the council after yourself, that's rather egotistical of you."  
  
"Now, now Elizabeth." Gandalf said solemnly "It is not up to you to question the motives of the wise. Come along, I shall find someone to show you to your room."  
  
The three quickly left and the other two girls were berating Liz for her rash behavior towards the Lord of Imladris.  
  
"Although," Sam said "I was wondering the exactile same thing. I must brush up more on my Dr. Freud. By the way, Gandy-dude?"  
  
"Yes Samantha?"  
  
"Where the dickens is my elf???"  
  
"Ahh. Master Greenleaf retired quickly after the council was dismissed, I haven't seen him since."  
  
"Hmm...that's ok I'll find him. He can't hide forever. Do you think you could do me a favor though.....?"  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"Can my council seat be next to him. Puh-leaaase .::puppyeyes::."  
  
Yea! Mine too Gandy pleeeeeeease??????" Mandi pleaded.  
  
The old wizard could battle many things but two cases of puppy-eyes proved too much for the Itsari to handle  
  
"Ok! Ok! I'll see what I can do!"  
  
"Yes! We love you Gandalf!"  
  
**  
  
Well.....thats all for chappy 2! Yaaaay! What do you think? Do you like it? Hate it? Let us know!!! We'll update soon! We both have soo many ideas we're really getting excited about this story! Let us know if this was funny enough for you guys ok?  
  
REVIEW!!!!!!  
  
Elves and Spoons,  
  
Nessa Melawen and Luthien 


	5. X Eyed Bunnies and the Domino Effect

Mel- Eeeek! I'm sorry I'm sorry! I know we haven't updated in awhile and it's mostly my fault! Hopefully this chapter makes up for it! .::hopeful grin::.  
  
BIG NEWS: Well to me anyway... I GOT THE CARDBOARD CUTOUT OF LEGOLAS FROM THE MALL! WE OWN THE PRECIOUS!! AND Nessa is warming up to our splenderifrious prince!  
  
Disclaimer: The only thing we own is my wonderful, glorious, knight in shining...cardboard. Ehh you can't have everything I guess.  
  
No elves were harmed in the making of this fic  
  
Leggy cardboard: .::looks sexy while looking at some invisible force::.  
  
Mel: .::sighs::. You know he's a keeper when the elf can look drop dead gorgeous whilst climbing up an Oliphant's arse. .::rubs lip marks off::. How did those get there? ::looks at Luthien and Nessa suspiciously::.  
  
Nessa: Oy love, you know I don't kiss that hunk o paper.. However if you find a slurp mark...  
  
Now we are aware that some of these quotes from the movie aren't exactly in order...sorry it's just the way it goes lol! And just to let you guys know we probably will be following the movie cannon for most things but we will let you know if that changes...carry on  
  
Nessa: much against my will...*cough books are better cough*.. .::Ducks the deluge of moist badgers being pelted at her head::.  
  
Mel: You know I do too! But the movie is easier....and shorter scenes  
  
And without further ado.......doo doo....dooo doooo dooooooooooooooo.. Sorry I'll stop.  
  
** The morning was foggy, a tense silence hung in the air that surrounded the hula-hoop circle. This calculating quiet was broken by the chanting of three young girls.  
  
"We represent the Lollie-pop guild, the Lollie-pop guild, the Lolliepop guild. We represent the Lollie-pop guuuuuuild...err...which nobody can deny!" they sang over, and over again. Waving brightly covered banners made only last night from materials found in Arwen's closet, the three marched into the circle.  
  
The flags portrayed a penguin, in an orange suit brandishing a large lollie- pop, with a lime green bunny on top of his head...The bunny with X's for eyes, complements of Liz.  
  
One man timidly asked, "If you'll pardon my question fair maidens," Sam swooned at this endearment she was a diehard chivalry addict. "Where is this Lollie-pop guild located? For I cannot recall seeing it on any map in my memory."  
  
"Well," Liz explained, "it's located right next to Puff the Magic Dragon's strip joint, and down the road from Little Miss Muffet's Bar and Grille, not that hard to find really. However I wouldn't recommend stopping at that Dragons place. Shady business up there. I swear I found a peg leg in my pasta once.."  
  
"You three. Are late." Lord Elrond said, agitation shining clearly through his voice.  
  
"Fashionably so, dahling" Sam said with a dramatic flip of her hair, "now if you would good sirs, please show my lady friends and me to our seats."  
  
A stunned silence followed this statement. That is until...  
  
"They are but children! My lord, surely they are of no benefit to a matter of this magnitude." One elf protested.  
  
Before the straight-haired blonde pumpkin (A/N: Nessa: Dude..pumpkin..?? Mel: .::shrugs::.) could waltz over to the obnoxious elf and show him just how bad violets really are, Gandalf broke in saying,  
  
"They were summoned here to help with the ordeal. They shall attend this council." To the girls he added, "There are three empty chairs where you may take your seat."  
  
With that said the Prince of Mirkwood finally acknowledged the two empty seats on either side of him. 'Oh Elbereth,' he moaned silently, 'why me?!' The third empty chair was located next to Lord Elrond himself, who was currently glaring daggers at the grinning Itsari. The girls however, couldn't have been more delighted. Liz's eyes suddenly flared with a malevolent glint, her mind gearing into full out torture mode and flounced off to sit next to the horrified elf-lord. Mandi and Sam each gave Gandalf a sly wink before placing themselves next to their princey-poo and permanently latching onto him. Legolas grew pale as Mandi rested her head on his shoulder whilst petting his hair adoringly and Sam started discussing wedding plans.  
  
"I think we should have singing fish at the reception don't you Leggsie- luv?"  
  
"I...err...uhh," the princeling was quite speechless.  
  
"Oh! Ooh!" she yelped, "and we could have those lacey name labeled napkins for all the guests. Oh it'll be splendid my lusty, luscious, leafy lover!"  
  
**  
  
"How do you get that tiara to stay on your head?" Liz questioned, knowing full well the extent of Capn' Leave's anger.  
  
"It is NOT a tiara, it is a royal star!"  
  
"Ooh...then why are your robes all purple and lady-like?"  
  
"The color purple is a sign of honor!"  
  
"Yeah, honorable bosoms," she muttered  
  
"What did you-"  
  
"My lord, I do believe its time to begin," a raven-haired elf said.  
  
Elrond cleared his throat in a dignified manner and motioned for the hullabaloo to cease.  
  
"Strangers from distant lands, friends of old," he began majestically, unfortunately his monologue had been punctuated by the desperate whimpers of a distressed lf.  
  
"You have" -eemph- "been summoned here" -aeeree- "to answer" -meep- "For the love of Eru, would you two please STOP THAT!"  
  
The two blondes stared wide eyed at the pissed elf, whose face nearly matched the shade of his ensemble.  
  
"You know you're sexy when you're angry, the way those nostrils flare." Liz purred, enjoying the Grrness she was inflicting.  
  
Lord Elrond smartly chose to ignore this comment and launched into a speech, which the girls weren't paying any attention to, as they were easily distracted. The blondes with the scrumdiddliuptious elf and the kettle-haired teen with a strange scruffing coming from somewhere to the side, away from the council.  
  
"Bring forth the Ring, Frodo."  
  
The curly haired hobbit reluctantly stepped forward, acutely aware of the brunette whispering "trip trip trip". The entire council stared at the Ring in awed silence until it was harshly broken.  
  
"We should play the name game! Cuz a lot of you ruggedly men look uncannily alike!" Sammie chirped, completely unaware of the respective Moment O' Silence .  
  
"Ooh! Wouldn't that just be a barrel of monkeys!" Mandi squealed in agreement.  
  
"Not with 10,000 men could you do this. It is folly." A blonde man shouted.  
  
"Yeah that would be pretty hard to count 10,000 men...I wonder if I can even count to 10,000..." She said, lost in her own blissful oblivion.  
  
"Uhh hon," Mandi started, "he's talking about slam-dunkin that bad ass hunk of metal in the boiling mountain of...err BADNESS!"  
  
"One does not simply walk into Mordor, there is evil there that does not sleep..." said the blonde who was currently channeling Aragorn's grease factor.  
  
"Have you heard nothing Lord Elrond has said? The Ring must be destroyed!" Legolas yelled, jumping out of his seat, thus strewing the two girls in an affectionate heap on the stone ground, which caused Mandi to kick the axe out of the hands of the dwarf resting on it, causing him to knock over his comrades. This resulted in a long suppressed snort from Liz, a giggle from the mysterious bushes, and a mortified Mandipie.  
  
"Damn the Dwarven Domino Effect." She said ruefully.  
  
Liz couldn't help but start at the sound of Dom...It seemed so familiar and somehow linked with eyeliner...'Ehh, she thought he was probably some gay guy that worked at the Maybelline counter' (A/N Mel-sorry Nes please don't kill me Nessa- Oh fret not my dear, fret not...at least not at the moment...)  
  
At this point in time the raven-haired elf in charge was adding new shades to the color spectrum.  
  
"Everyone, return to their seats immediately! This is starting to become a mockery, not a serious council! This reckless behavior will stop at once!"  
  
After the reprimanding from the elf in the purple dress everything returned to the anxious atmosphere. Until Mr. I-am-a-really-annoying-man-who-can't- figure-out-when-to-shut-up aka: Boromir said,  
  
"There is no way of getting the Ring into Mordor without it being recaptured."  
  
'This coming from the guy in the purple shirt...oh my God, where are all the MEN!?' Liz thought (A/N: Mel: that would be a FRIENDS quote! Luv that show! Ness: Never seen a whole eppy of it... Oh well...)  
  
"Lord Elrond would not have made a suggestion that was not possible!" Argued the pointy-eared jack-in-the-box, luckily, this time the girls were smart enough to release him before he sprang up.  
  
"If he's this agile now, a girl can only wonder...." Mandi whispered to Sam conspiringly.  
  
Leggy's face started to turn an interesting shade of red at this point. But whether it was from overhearing Mandi's musing or Gimli's comment of "Never trust an elf!" we may never know. The council was once again in a state of pandemonium and our heroines were right in the center of it. Mandi and Sam turned into cheerleaders, chanting "Go Leggy! Oh yea! Go Leggy! Go Go Go Leggsie!" and "You tell'em baby!" Whilst Liz was standing on her chair holding Lord Elrond's tiara above his head, taunting him mercilessly,  
  
"Not so tough are we Mr. Nance 'N' Prance in my daughters purple pants! Ooh common Reach for it fairy boy! Reach!" (A/N Ness- Tempted to 'sit' him eh Luth? Too bad he's not Yasha) Just as she was about to see how good of a frisbee the circlet could be, a voice timidly put in...  
  
"I will take it! I will take it. Though, I do not know the way." This comment was put into the box by the only hobbit in attendance at the gathering; yep you guessed it, Frodo Baggins. Everyone stood stone still in shock, Mandi fell off the chair she was standing on, and Lord Elrond's tiara fell to the ground thanks to the forces of gravity. Gandalf was the first to speak,  
  
"I will help you bear this burden, Frodo Baggins, as long as it's yours to bear. But I shall not be alone, I would like ladies Elizabeth, Amanda, and Samantha to accompany me."  
  
"Gandalf, do you honestly think it wise?" Aragorn asked.  
  
"I do not have any answers anymore, but I know their hearts to be true. They shall accompany us on the journey."  
  
"Then you have my sword." Aragorn decided, rather uncertainly with Mandi and Liz eyeing his weapon.  
  
"And you have my bow!" The blondes squealed ear-piercingly at the thought of traveling with the feminine nancer. (A/N: Mel- I put this out now: NANCING IS SEXY!)  
  
"And my axe."  
  
After this, Senior French-fry tried to send more elves along, however he was overruled. Directly from where Liz heard the rustlage earlier, three curly haired hobbits emerged, running to the council, determined to join too. Elrond protested, but alas, it was not to be  
  
"Nine companions..."  
  
Well there you go! Chapter 3!!! YAY! Sorry It took so long hopefully the other chapters will be soon in coming! Please review and tell us what you did or didn't like!!  
  
In our haste we will thank the reviewers next chappy! Don't worry you are in no way forgotten or underappreciated we love each and everyone of you we are just last teenage girls, savvy? PLEASE REVIEW!!!!!!!!  
  
Elves and Spoons,  
  
Luthien, Nessa, and Melawen 


	6. Important! and thank you's

Mel: Hey we're over achievers! Well not really but we just wanted to let you know that some weird stuff has been going on....and to clarify some things because Nessa is starting to become paranoid in old age! Also we have to thank our glorious reviewers! .::grins::.  
  
The clarification just to let you all know that Nessa is in fact another author...this fic is collaboration between the two of us and Luthien is helping us too! Happy Nes? Everyone now knows that you are in fact real.  
  
Ness- Phew They know you aren't an obsessive schizophrenic fanfic writer!! Err not that I think our reviewers are unintelligent, because I know they isn't! I just know we act so much alike that it gets confuzzling... Somedays I wonder if I'm Mandi or myself.... Err anywho...eeto...  
  
And to point out the fact that this is indeed a humor fic! All jibes and jokes are purely made in good humor and are not meant to be 'disrespectful' we joke about things that to a point, we respect, and we are very open people. We do not shut off other opinions but honestly if you have a problem with a little joke then you should not be reading fanfiction because it is full of them. Also don't watch stand-up comedy...you'll probably die of a heart attack. Sorry to anyone we have offended but hey it's only meant as a joke and not meant to be taken seriously so chill out!  
  
The weird stuff...our FIC IS COMING TRUE!!!!  
  
Let's recap shall we...Yeah I bought the precious, and then we had a sleepover; Nessa flipped out saying it was scaring her... (Ness- That bloody piece of cardboard fell on me! He was after MY BLOOD!!! Damn the cardboard beast! However he did taste rather good... Hint of minty freshness.) Luthien flipped...for obvious reasons and yeah about 3 days later A GIANT BUG APPEARS INSIDE MY HOUSE IN THE MIDDLE OF WINTER! That is NOT normal ok? And it almost killed me but I attacked it with my wrapping paper roll and orange fly swatter, then my step-dad came in and killed it .::grins::. Yeah so we can only hope lol!  
  
And now for the reviews...  
  
ZombieGurl98:  
  
Nessa-Thanks love! We try to update a lot but being the procrastinators we are... .::sideways glance at Mel::.  
  
Mel-.::looks indignant::. Well bully for you Nessa! Lol just kidding it was actually my fault! OMG you seem so enthusiastic I wuv you!  
  
Ainu Laire:  
  
Nessa- Oy if you think THIS is insane...try interacting with the three of us on a daily basis... Bwahhahahhahaaaa *cough cough*  
  
Mel- I'm glad you read this for me! Insane...I take that as a compliment! Now you update your story lol! And just a reminder...Haldir, is the sexiest Marchwarden...heheheee  
  
Amber:  
  
Nessa- GOOBERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR And you know there's NO way I'd incorporate those damned gnomes into the story *shudder*  
  
Mel- .::blinks::. If I didn't know that you too knew each other I'd be deeply disturbed...well more so than I am now. Heeeey I had a blue turtle once, I got my regular green turtle in food coloring accidentally it froze to death in my living room soon after.  
  
kcauz:  
  
Nessa-The Red Lobster biscuits are the ruler of all things...biscuity... Yea  
  
Mel- riiiiiiiiight...actually I have never had the buiscuits...come to think of it I've never eaten at Red Lobster either...  
  
SidheFae:  
  
Nessa- Ahh beloved Mandi/Luth. Wouldn't it be splendid if we COULD sit some of the fellowship? Too bad we're not in Feudal Japan ;-) I wub you my wittle bwonde boo boo... Uhh yea...Umm sorry... I need a nap.  
  
Mel- MANDIPIES!!! I just saw you an hour ago! We get to call into the radio and request a song for our beloved! Gah I wuv you girl...our precious is still wearing his tiara and looking sexy...I FINALLY got Nes's lip marks off! .::glares at said individual::.  
  
Insane Elven Pirate:  
  
Ness-Thanks!! Hehehe... Now you're name just gave me the image of a pointy- eared Elf...nancing with naught but a peg leg... Whoa...  
  
Mel- aww Thanks! Wuv you too! I am loving Nes at this point...aside from the peg leg deal that vision has serious possibilities...  
  
Animegirl123:  
  
Nessa- Ta love!! Hope we keep ya amused!  
  
Mel- All thanks to me of course....::crickets chirp::. Ok maybe not lol just kidding thanks for your support!  
  
Kirah:  
  
Nessa- Woot! Another of the Lollie-pop guild!!!! I recommend socks...they help block sound rather well....::looks around suspiciously::.  
  
Mel- I STILL think its kin not guild! Wtfork is a guild anyway? Ahh I have that problem too...my mom used to walk into the room and give me a look because I try to turn my insane laughter into coughing fits...thankfully she stopped asking questions a long time ago...Thanks for reviewing and I shall see you at the LPG (Lollie-pop Guild) Club meetings! Bring plenty of yogurts!  
  
Sarwenaletari Elanesse:  
  
Nessa- I'm terribly sorry if you found what was written offensive. The entire story was made in humor, not to get a rise out of people. We don't make jokes against things to insult them; sometimes teasing is a sign of love isn't it? And maybe I happen to be offended by people coming to my door, taking me from my dinner, to preach to me on my doorstep about a religion I don't choose to follow. Again I appologize if you were offended, I hope you won't hold it against us. Thank you for reading anyways. Good day.  
  
Mel- I apologize if I seem a little harsh up there where I addressed the situation for everyone. But you have to understand, this whole story was made for people to laugh, ergo it should not be taken seriously. People make jibes at people because they hold an amount of respect for them so this comment had no 'disrespectful' tendencies if you found it degrading I am terribly sorry. But I will not curb my writing just because somebody might find it offensive I can't please the world so I am not going to even try. Thank you for reading our story and I am sorry if we offended you but that's the way the cookie crumbles I guess .::goes to beat head off a wall for using a cheesy cliché::. 


	7. Important Questions and the Phobias of S...

Mel: Sorry we haven't updated in awhile...by the way how long is awhile for not updating? I mean I know I personally feel horrible after only like 2 days of no updates! Sad news I am suffering from writer's block! I mean its like there is this ball of something in my brain and it's like blocking off very important things from me, such as writing, words, sentence continuation, and some of my memories! I don't know what it is!!! Help ME! And another point to be made, RotK rocked...however they left a lot out which is understandable,  
  
Ness- Bring back! Bring Back! Bring back Eowyn and Faramir's wedding to me to me. Movie kicked serious arse. Very tissue worthy. Rock on PJ!  
  
Mel-I can't wait for the Extended Version it's going to be awesome! Yeah and the Captain Obvious statement of all time goes to the love of my life, Leggy! For the statement "a diversion" I felt so bad, because all you could do was laugh, he actually looked kind of proud of himself for that line, t'was quite scary.  
  
Luth- O, who cares if he gets the stupidest lines in movies. Orli looks good when he makes a fool of himself!  
  
Mel- I second that  
  
WOOT! To Luth for this is her debut as a writer in the story!!!!!  
  
Disclaimer: We own nothing at all, the glorious books belong to J.R.R. Tolkien. And the movies, along with Leggy's sad, sad lines belong to Peter Jackson, who even though he is a kiwi, therefore cool. He killed off Haldir! I mean you just cannot kill off the Sexy Marchwarden it's not RIGHT! Hear that PJ! HALDIR LIVES DAMNIT! HE LI-OWW! Nessa that hurt! Sorry...I'll stop ranting...  
  
No elves were harmed in the making of this fic!  
  
Mel: ::moping and looking downtrodden::  
  
Luth: Awww, Mellypoo what's eating your goat?  
  
Mel: I watched The Two Towers today, and Haldir died, AGAIN! Why does it happen every time!?  
  
Ness: Maybe he didn't really die... Once the battle ended he was planning on sneaking up on Aragorn and going Bluuugyyybooo!  
  
Luth: ...sure. To share in the sorrows of Mel, I also cried (once!) when I watched Haldir die. I have no idea what was wrong with me that day...  
  
Mel: Nothing was wrong it was tragic! And wrong...supposedly it was to show the sacrifice of the elves or whatever, all it did was show me how incredibly hot an elf can look whilst dieing! Ahem right...on with the story  
  
**  
  
"If elves are immortal how come you're not an ickle wickle widdle babayh still leggypoo?" Mandi inquired.  
  
"Milady, I do not feel inclined to discuss the lifespan of my people at the moment. The trees are singing a beautiful song."  
  
However the poor spandex boy's tree song was interrupted by three voices singing,  
  
"Still round the corner there may wait A new road or a secret gate, And though we pass them by today, Tomorrow we may comet his way And take the hidden paths that run Towards the Moon or to the Sun,"  
  
"Beautiful voice m'dear Liz!" Merry chirped.  
  
Liz blushed furiously while Sammie and Mandi snortled mercilessly. The Fellowship had set out from Rivendell but 2 days previously, after rigorous training in weaponry for the girls and the hobbits too, who were all equally unskilled in fighting. The two blonde girls were partial to taking bows in the shadow of their Elf princeling, where as Liz favored the long sword and a pair of daggers.  
  
"I dunno if I like the idea of carrying this quiver on my back" Sammie said uneasily, "It makes nancing difficult, I fret I'll spill them..."  
  
"There is a certain technique one must use to not shake the contents of the quiver..." Greenboy began, however Gimli interrupted,  
  
"All the way to Mordor with these nancing fools? Oh the shame on my dwarven beard!"  
  
"Listen buddy," Sam bristled, "you're not gonna have to worry about you're precious dwraven beard if you keep that up, savvy?"  
  
Normally the dwarf would have retorted, but seeing as the blonde had a quiver of arrows and was brandishing a purple flyswatter, the only memento brought to middle earth from their previous world, he decided he like his beard and kept quiet.  
  
**  
  
The fellowship had decided to take a break and set up camp on a secluded, rocky hill. Everyone separated to do their own thing or in some cases, scheme.  
  
"Mr. Frodo, I'm worried. Merry, Pippin, and the ladies have been so quiet this morning, I can hardly imagine what mischief they could be planning."  
  
"I know what you mean Sam, it is rather unsettling. However, I do not think we are in any grave danger, ourselves. Aragorn, Legolas, Gimli, and Gandalf are the ones who should be on their guard."  
  
**  
  
"Mandi, we have to ask him! I mean we need to know one way or the other."  
  
"I know, I know! But I mean Sam, what if he says yes? What are we going to do?"  
  
"Well, there ARE many cliffs around us..."  
  
"Alright that works, we can just hold him off of one until he changes his answer, no worries!"  
  
"Right, so go on, ask him."  
  
"ME!? No! you do it!"  
  
"Fine, fine get the gravel, outta your hair! We'll do it together!"  
  
"Ok...Sam...I'm scared."  
  
"Me too, my little marshmallow...me too."  
  
"Hey, Leggy-darling? Can we well, can we ask you a question..." Sam asked whilst making a picture in the dirt with her shoe.  
  
"As long as it is not the one...I believe you asked, boxers or briefs. Then yes you may."  
  
"Ok Mandi! Go right ahead and ask!" she said with a grin. Mandi scowled,  
  
"You just wait...that flyswatter can be stolen and used against you, you little mealworm!"  
  
"Ok Leggy, do you, well are you...are you gay?"  
  
Liz, having overheard the whole conversation chose this convenient time to burst into squirrelish giggles at the priceless confusion on the prince's flawless face.  
  
"My lady I am sorry I do not follow you."  
  
"Alright Peter pan they want to know your preference." Liz said, trying to clarify the situation for Legolas. Seeing his still blank look she continued, "What team you bat for, umm what floats your boat, spandex or Cotton, something besides gold lies beyond the rainbow for you......do you prefer the boys?"  
  
Quicker than One Minute rice, comprehension dawned upon the elf and with it a very prominent blush,  
  
"My word! Is it normal for young ladies such as yourselves to talk about these matters so freely where you hail from? On second thought there is no need to answer that, as I can already guess. Well to answer your question, I prefer females and have no desire to change that decision." He replied, a little defensively.  
  
"Thank God for that!" Mandi sighed with relief.  
  
"Sorry Leggy-luv didn't mean to put you on the spot like that," Sam said as she threw her arms around him in a hug, much to the elf's annoyance. "But inquiring minds need to know. And now Liz can't tease you, the big mean, mean...meanie!" she finished, sticking out her tongue at the raven-haired girl.  
  
"Ahh, I wouldn't be too sure aboot that m'dear. There's plenty more the princeling could be hiding. But if you'll excuse me I must go confer with me comrades, Aragorn is starting to let down his guard again. Who knew that our beloved ranger was scared of snakes?" So with a final cheeky grin at the three of them, she flew off to go talk to Merry and Pippin.  
  
"Group, all gathered together? Great, let's move out, we've got a long ways to go. Pippin, since you've been hovering by my bag, bring it to me." Aragorn directed.  
  
Pippin ran back from giving the bag back, giggling the whole way... Lizzie and Merry exchanged amused glances and tried their best to not break out into uncontrollable laughter. No good. Pippin ran over and joined in the outburst. Aragorn eyed them suspiciously, and Boromir fixed them with a glare that was greasy enough to shut Sauron himself up.  
  
"So, Leggsie," Sam began after she and Mandi had agreed upon their next question, "do elves ever get, um," Mandi stood behind her and sniggered, but Sam kept a straight face. "Do elves ever get ear wax?"  
  
"Such inappropriate questions to be asking a prince," Gandalf mused.  
  
Mandi grabbed Sam's flyswatter and smacked Gandalf's hand. "Watch it, wizard. These matters do not concern you." The old man looked taken aback, but then chalked it up as another "inappropriate" thing done by the blonde girl.  
  
"And these matters do not concern you in the least," Boromir stated to all three of the girls, "yet you are all here anyway. How on Middle Earth did that ever come to pass?" He was obnoxiously amused.  
  
The three of them smirked whilst recalling the memory.  
  
Flashback*******  
  
"Nine companions" Captain of the French Fries began to say, but was interrupted by three certain people.  
  
"Us too, us too," The girls squealed sounding like a flock of evil seagulls. (A/N: Luth-Um, yea, do seagulls squeal, or do they squawk? O well.)  
  
"No," Elrond stated simply. As Gandalf opened his mouth to argue he added, "Mithrandir, I realize that you wish them to go, but they are naught but mere children, it is far too dangerous for them. I simply will not allow it."  
  
"Oh, I see," the brunette stated. "You'll let the nancer go, but not us? We could actually be helpful!" Liz suddenly felt a chill and turned to see three blondes giving her deadly stares, two more fierce than the other.  
  
"You shall not go, you would be too much of a burden."  
  
Gandalf stepped in between the Elf Lord and the girls before they could tackle him. "Maybe, we had best discuss this privately. I have an idea." The old wizard said the last part to the girls, with that twinkle in his eye. Sam grabbed the closest thing that she could find to resemble a light bulb, and attempted to hold it above Gandalf's head. However, she only succeeded in poking him in the back of the neck with a stick.  
  
She looked around at the gawking council. "What?"  
  
**  
  
"Mithrandir," Elrond said, "I do not know what you had in mind, but these three would be a hazard to the entire fellowship. They will only disturb them, thus making the journey even more difficult."  
  
The girls sat and watched the two old men pace the room. Elrond nearly had Gandy convinced by this time. "Well, they would be safer if they were here. Maybe," he said weakly.  
  
"NO!" The girls jumped up and yelled.  
  
"I thought that you said that you had an idea?" Liz said in an accusing tone.  
  
"That I did, but it was lost only a short while after it came to me."  
  
Sam looked up at the ceiling and tried to whistle. "What?"  
  
It was beginning to look bad for the girls, but, alas, Mandi had a thought.  
  
(A/N: Mel- GASP! Tehehee j/k! Ness: Hey she gets ideas a lot! Getting them to stay for dinner is another thing...So I wouldn't talk Miss Elves or Spoons... Luth- *sniffles* so mean to me.)  
  
"Okay, then, Lord Elrond. We'll stay here." She received looks of terror from her friends and one of relief from Gandalf. "This is perfect, we can stay here with you, Elly-poo. We can help out around the palace,"  
  
The other girls were beginning to catch on. "We'll clean, cook, entertain," Sam said with a grin.  
  
Lizzie ended it, "And we'll always be around, whether you need us or not."  
  
End Flashback******  
  
"You three do realize that we are not able see your reveries right?" Aragorn asked sardonically.  
  
"Oooh Right!! Well uhh let's just say we can be very, very persuasive when necessary..." Mandi responded in a mafia-like tone. (A/N Nessa: Ha-ha I just pictured our Luth with a big ole cigar, a bowler and a machine gun going, "Go ahead punk...Just try me..." err yea.)  
  
The two men shook their heads and gathered up their stuff, and strode off, the rest following in suit. The grizzled wizard and the greasy ranger mumbled to each other, the rest could only catch phrases like 'what about Moria' and 'no no too dangerous'. Aragorn began trying to convince Gandalf to go somewhere when all of a sudden he let out a valley girl squeal and broke into a run, hands flailing behind him.  
  
"What's wrong Aragorn!?" Gimli shouted at the ranger who was now spinning in circles shaking himself.  
  
"It touched meeeee! It touched meee! Eeeeeewww! Get it off of meeeee!" Was all he could get out before he began to make girly-man whimpers and resume his circle running.  
  
"What touched you? FOOL! Get back here now!" Yelled Gandalf, "You'll attract unwanted attention to us!"  
  
"That foul slimy thing touched meeeeeee!!"  
  
The company looked on as a 6 inch snake wiggled the rest of the way out of Aragorn's bag, then to the ladies, Merry and Pippin who were holding on to one another so as not to collapse on the ground in laughter.  
  
**  
  
Mel: Well? What did you guys think? I hope it's still funny, but my mind at least has been on the fritz lately! Thank you to our reviewers we shall thank you properly in the next chappy never fear we appreciate your guys' thoughts so much!  
  
Ness- I hate sock wedgies!  
  
Luth- Yay! I wrote stuff this time!  
  
Please review and you get 5 minutes of stare at the precious time! Oh and If anyone has any ideas please feel free to share we'd love to hear them!!!  
  
Elves and Spoons,  
  
Nessa, Melawen, and Luthien 


	8. Fruit Salad and Power Rangers

Mel: DOOT DOOOT DOOO! Hey look I'm Elwood! Hey readers! Wow that sounded really corny, anyway, Sorry for the wait but here it is Chappy...6, I think ah well it doesn't matter you're gonna read this anyways! Oi Nes, I just watched the behind the scenes of your Dom's very impassioned scream of anguish whilst filming Boromir's death. I swear I laugh till I cry every single time, I mean you have to think its funny he's just staring shell shocked in that cute (yes I said cute) little hobbit way of his...then he just screams NOOOOOO and continues to stand there like a bloody idiot again (no offense). Tis a hoot and will continue to be one love. I admire Dominic as much as the next girl...save you cause then I'd be scared, but that's about as funny as the 'a diversion' scene.  
  
Ness- Aye love, t'was too hilarious, almost as good as the Diversion scene. He just stands there with your kind of blank look when we ask you which way is north and yells NOO..::blink:: it's too good! The music is all non-existent so it makes it even better... Love, if only your tangents were 20 miles off...  
  
Mel- Eek look how far off topic I am...that's got to be 20 miles, whoa question...would the people of Middle Earth use miles...that's a standard measurement...surely they wouldn't use that...ahh well. I'm off topic yet again and you're prolly getting bored with me. However, I did get to see Kiwi (Craig Parker) on Xena last Wednesday. WOOT! Ok I'm done, because if I don't I'll never shut up. Enjoy!  
  
Disclaimer: We own nothing. All characters places and noodles came from the mind of The Great and Ever-Brilliant Tolkien whom we should all worship... And Peter Jackson too, that dude deserves a big hug. Big Bear hug! I'd also like to take this time to tell you all I'd like to be Under the Sea In an octopus's garden In the shade He'd let us in, knows where we've been...In his octopus's garden in the shade!  
  
No elves were harmed in the making of this fic:  
  
Ness: ::sits in the corner growling and winking at random elves whilst carving a badger out of the lembas bread:: Err- Yea No ickle elfies got hurt... Unless Mel got a hold of them. O' the poor dears, if she did... Such great creatures don't deserve such torture, not even Leggy. For once sarcasm isn't seeping from my lips... Poor dears...::continues growling::  
  
Mel: ::sneaking around the corner with chains dressed as a giant tree::  
  
**  
  
The sun rose, giving sight to the troupe of travelers climbing the rocky terrain. For the first time since their quest began the Twelve Walkers were all silent. The reason behind this miracle was the lecture that Gandalf had previously given the girls.  
  
"I brought the three of you along as an asset to the fellowship, together the three of you wield a power that is a force to be reckoned with, however I will speak no more of that until I believe you are ready to handle it. The foolish actions you three have been executing are no doubt amusing, but they are also distracting and we cannot afford to be sidetracked at this perilous time. If you three cannot control your behavior, when we arrive in Lothlorien you must all stay behind."  
  
As the old wizard was saying this, the twinkle in his eye was lying dormant and there was a look of disappointment etched on his face. (A/Ness- Gandy! You just gotta believe!)  
  
**  
  
The little folk, discluding Gimli, shuffled along behind looking sullen. Gimli himself was bragging to Legolas about the triumphs of the Dwarves, while the Elf tried to think of an inconspicuous way to throw him off one of the neighboring cliffs. The two men on the quest were quietly talking about nothing in particular, and the two blondes had an almost-thinking look on their faces. (A/Mel- grrr you watch it Nessa! Lol just kidding luv! Luth- ::tries to think of something clever to say, but can't think:: ... go figure) Liz hummed a nameless tune and Gandalf as always, was brooding.  
  
"Psst! Psst! Liz! Sammie! I gots an idea!" Mandi whispered frantically. (A/Ness- * random snortle* Luth- ...Still can't think of anything to say, so I'm forced to resort to death glares)  
  
"Oooh, Leggie in whipped cream? I had that one too...Do they have whipped cream in Middle Earth?" Sam asked  
  
"I'm starting to think you both have problems..." Liz said with a long- suffering sigh.  
  
"Gah! Listen to me, we're in the dog house right?' With their agreement she went on, "We should have a sort of appreciate the fellowship night!"  
  
"Yeah!" Sam said, catching onto the idea, "We can have poems and songs in their honor and...we can make fruit salad! It's yummy! Fruit salad yummy yummy, fruit salad yummy yum- heeey! Can we have a piñata? A ring shaped one, for Frodo!"  
  
"Listen Ms. Mushroom, where in the name of Sprinkles are we going to find a ring- shaped piñata?! Or the paper mache to make it?" Liz inquired, "Although, if you happen to come across a squirrel, we could make due. I could quash it and put yummies down its throat tube!"  
  
"How do you plan to do that?" Mandi asked, perplexed.  
  
"With my spear and magic hell-mit!"  
  
"Your spear and magic helmet?"  
  
"Yes. With my spear and magic hell-mit!"  
  
"Sorry to interrupt Xena Warrior Princess, but perhaps we should get Merry and Pip in on our plans? I mean they've done about as much as us, maybe even more." Sam said.  
  
"Aye," said Liz in agreement, "Aragorn isn't that happy with them, or me for that matter."  
  
"I know what you mean," Mandi said miserably, "Leggy will barely talk to us!"  
  
"That could just be because every time he opens his mouth he says something stupid," Liz mumbled, gaining herself a hurt "GAASP" from Mandi, and a hurting 'THWAP' from Sam.  
  
"Oww..."  
  
"Now, now Sam, violets are bad," Mandi said as she pulled the flyswatter away from the offended blonde.  
  
"But she insulted my love! AGAIN!" Sam reasoned as she tried to get the flyswatter back from Mandi, who was holding it out of her reach.  
  
"Quiet!" yelled an aggravated wizard, but the girls ignored him and kept bickering, until the reason for the quarrel took the flyswatter away and put it into his quiver. He gave the two a slight smile before returning to the front of the procession. (A/Mel- Luth I thank you for that so much. When I first read it I immediately got transported to my fantasies) Mandi and Sam looked at each other quickly and then followed after the sexy elf like ickle, bickle puppies following food (drool and all).  
  
"Oy!" Liz exclaimed as she smacked her forehead, then rubbed it realizing all her exasperation had been let out onto a now forming goose egg. Merry and Pippin quickened their pace and walked alongside Liz.  
  
"So," began the youngest (and cutest and most adorable Ness- AND SCOTTISH!!!) hobbit a.k.a. Pippin, "do you have anymore plans for fun?"  
  
A flame sparked in Lizzie's eyes, but was soon gone when she remembered the scolding they had received earlier. "We aren't allowed to do anything else. Gandalf was threatening to leave us behind." She said with a pouty look.  
  
"Nah, don't worry about that," Merry said cheerily, "Pip and I had similar threats from Strider all the time, before we even got to Rivendell. But, as you can see we're still here."  
  
"Why? What did you guys do?" Liz wondered at what the mischievous hobbits did to torture the greasy ranger. "Nothing too terrible," said Pippin with a smile, "just throwing rocks at random things-"  
  
"We hit Strider once-"  
  
"Twice actually-"  
  
"Oh yeah!"  
  
"And I guess we might've been mocking him," Merry added, "But I don't know, would you call brandishing sticks about and claiming to be mighty rangers mocking?" (A/Luth- OMG! Power Rangers! ::hysterical laugh::...done. Mel- Kiwi was in power rangers lots of times...not that anybody cares... Luth- You're right, nobody cares... J/K! I'm sure somebody does... Ness- Kiwi in spandex?... mayhaps I shouldn't have mentioned that. Mel- WOOOT!)  
  
"Haa! I think he's just upset about his lack of stubble build up lately," Sam interjected, joining the conversation while holding the flyswatter that she and Mandi retrieved from Leggy.  
  
"Yeah, he only looks gruff, not Scrounge-N-Lounge-in-the-forest-like-a- manly-warrior gruff." Mandi laughed.  
  
"We would be moving a lot faster if your breath was aimed at your gait instead of your inane babble." Aragorn reprimanded, putting an end to all of their speculations. (A/Luth- What the hell did all of that mean? O well...::goes back to being blonde, but didn't have to go very far::)  
  
"Aye, my heart yearns with a ceaseless cry to be atop Hollin, the site of the ancient elven colony." (A/Mel- ok this is just a guess as to what the name is, I looked at the book and I am thinking that's where they are...please correct us if we're wrong!) Sir Leggings pined.  
  
"Yeah, and my tummy yearns with ceaseless passion for some taters." Liz muttered ruefully, kicking dirt as she went.  
  
And so the company grew silent, their main focus being to not lose their footing going up the mountain, or onto a certain nancely-experienced arse. The top was quiet...too quiet. T'was barren, lonely, a desolate flat with rocks, so many rocks, dirt and gnarled, tired-looking bushes.  
  
"...and the trees and the grass do not now remember them. Only I hear the stones lament them-" the elf prince was telling the fellowship until Liz interrupted his narrative with continuous 'THWAPS' and started berating him.  
  
"Fool! The ground remembers, deep, deep, in the cavernous depths it knows and always shall...who's hungry?"  
  
This gained a cheery look from the remaining girls and the hobbits, that is, until Senior Rain on Their Dining Days said, "No, we must set up camp and then you may eat!"  
  
"But m'dear Aragorn," Sam began what was evident to be a potential Great Granny Story a.k.a. a story which breaks off into other stories, which break off into more stories, that perpetuate into even more stories...you get the idea (A/Ness- you'd be shocked how often this happens in real life... Luth- Just look at her little, well, big sidetrack thing that she did in the beginning of this chappy.)  
  
"A very grand man once said, my Granddaddy in fact, great man he was, huuuge beard! You should've seen him eat corn! Oh how it got stuck! It'd be in there for days on end, cause no one would tell him it was in there on account of it being positively hilarious. That's excluding the times Larry, the family ferret, wiggled his way up that tangled mat of fuzz to fetch the corn and other odds and ends that found their way up there. Once we found a bobber, you know those things fishermen use to see if fish are nibblin. Did  
  
you know that fish don't blink? Neither do-"  
  
"SAM!!" Multiple voices yelled.  
  
"Yeees??"  
  
"Your Granddaddy-poo? His famous food quote?" Mandi prompted.  
  
"Aye! Always err-no-never, that's it 'Never drink right before going to bed or doing strenuous lifting... terrible mess"  
  
"Sound advice from what I'm sure was a very wise man." Gandalf commented.  
  
"Yeah he was really smart, although it must've deteriorated wi-" Sam started, but was cut off by Mandi.  
  
"I knew it! You're the one who stole my Word of the Day calendar!" Sam looked scandalized,  
  
"What, the one with the pretty flowers? I mean... Did not! I'm just naturally brilliant." She boasted. (A/Ness- Err was gonna say something but I treasure my life too much... sorta Luth- ::nearly uncontrollable laughter::)  
  
"Uh huh," Liz said skeptically, "then why is it that you harassed the Keebler Company for 2 months, demanding that they give Legs-a-lot to you?"  
  
"I had a hunch. Those elves looked mighty suspicious, hiding in their little trees, baking their cookies, and just what exactly was under those hats anyway?"  
  
"I rest my case. Now finish your story."  
  
"What story?"  
  
"The one about how your Granddaddy kept losing his marbles, love."  
  
"Marbles? Maybe he had a hole in his pocket. But enough with this talking, I was in the middle of a story. You know, sometimes you guys are so rude." Ignoring their disbelieving faces she continued. "As I was saying, my Granddaddy's smarts didn't last long with age, when he was about 95 he got sat on by a cow and broke his hip. Come on Aragorn, I thought we were supposed to set up camp! You can't just start slacking off like that, it doesn't set a good example."  
  
Shocked by her accusation he replied, "Uhh right, of course. My friends, please make haste in setting up camp, the faster we do that, the more time you may have to eat and relax." Adding in the last part, knowing it would hasten the actions of the hobbits.  
  
**  
  
The girls approached Gandalf knowing that to go through with their plan they would need his approval. Liz was their elected spokesperson, as she had done the least to anger the wizard. Clearing her throat she began their carefully prepared speech.  
  
"Ahem, my dearest Gandalf, my female companions and I would like to hold an appreciation night for you and the other fellowship members for succeeding in making us feel like shit- I mean to make up for our harmless pranks that were overreacted upon- I mean that you rightly punished us for..."  
  
"This is the last time she's our spokesperson," Sam mumbled to Mandi.  
  
"Yeah," she replied, "come on, let's save her from making a -complete- goober of herself. This calls for our most deadly weapon."  
  
"Our dead accurate sense of reasoning?" Sam questioned.  
  
"No! Our puppy eyes, you imbecile!"  
  
**  
  
"Gandy," Mandi said with assertiveness, "what this bloody toaster strudel is trying to ask you is, if you'd let us have an appreciation night for the fellowship. We feel really badly about what we did and we want to make up for it, pleeeease!"  
  
At this, the blondes gave the wizard a double whammy of Puppy Power, and as history tends to repeat itself he cracked, like an egg against Boromir's head, minus that dull 'THUNK' noise.  
  
"Well I suppose one night of relaxation would not hurt anything, it could also prove beneficial in lightening the spirits of the fellowship. You have my consent, and I will inform the others. When do you plan on this taking place?"  
  
"Erm...tonight?" Liz suggested hopefully.  
  
"I look forward to seeing what you girls have prepared."  
  
*******  
  
A/N: Mel- Well that's it I hope you enjoyed this chappy, the next one will be the party thing! Well please, please review with any comments at all, and any ideas you may have! We'd love to hear all of them! Reviewers will be thanked next chapter...yah know this story wouldn't have gotten up this week if it wasn't for my 4 day (and still going) migraine from hell, or Mordor respectively, I named it Kiwi ::glee::!  
  
Ness- Sorry it was late, Our bee low-ved Mel was sooo sickitha my poor love. I'd also like to take THIS time to say Peaches come from a can and that they were put there by a man in a factory down town.  
  
Luth- I feel special, and I just want to point out some things that I've noticed. ::ahem:: One) We make many many references to food Two) about thirty percent (very rough estimate, haha) of our fanfiction is author's notes and little comments from us Three) We don't talk very much about Frodo, you know, the main character in this story... Yea, I'm done now. Just felt like being special.  
  
Mel- you are special Luth!! And I agree with all of your points...I dunno I just feel kind of bad picking on Mr. Frodo when he's got that matchbox car tire round his neck! He'll get his turn tho, we can always just hang him from a tree by his underwear...err...do hobbits wear underwear? Anyway, I wasn't sure if you wanted this note in the actual story or if it was just for our benefit, so in it went, my apologies if you didn't want it viewed love! But they are all valid points and they should be viewed! BE PROUD LUTHIEN! BE PROUD BE PROUD TO LOVE LEGGY TOO! All of you other fangirls STAND UP AND BE PROUD! ...ahem, I'm done now!  
  
Elves and Spoons,  
  
Melawen, Luthien, and Nessa 


	9. Swaying Squirrels and Absence of RUM

Mel: ::cowers:: eep...I know its been soooo long, and you guys are absolute ANGELS ::snort:: for waiting this long for our next chappy...but you see, heres us and then heres this BIG old wall of writers block and procrastination and just BAM! But hey, alls well that ends well...although this isnt close to the end and definitely far from well. Please excuse this chapter because I think I made it very bad...  
  
Luth: For all the bloody time we took in posting this chapter, people are probably expecting such a 'dazzling' chapter! Sorry to disappoint those of you with great expectations. However, I, for one, think this chapter turned out, er, _halfway decent_ for the amount of effort that we put into it. We could do better, but hey... We're lazy, and we have other things that we can pretend to be busy with rather than overcome this horrible blockage of writing! Rambling! I apologize...   
  
 Nessa- I'd like to take this time to say, Oops. Been forever I know... Well when your curly typist takes about 4 days to type out 4 words... it takes awhile ::snuggles Mel:: Kidding Chindi. Anywho, I thank thee, loyal readers, if you're still out there, avidly awaiting and fervently clicking the refresh button, sweating, hoping, and praying for a worthwhile update from us nutter brains. Well, I am sorry. Someday, that may come. But for now, you can make do with this! And also, so the dear sweet Ringo doesn't attack me from wherever he is now, Samwise's song was constructed from the base of his song 'Octopus's Garden', Not mine, his brilliance  
  


Disclaimer: The only thing we own is this story...and sometimes gum...we dont pretend to own our minds, that would be a blatant lie, although quite a funny joke

No elves were harmed in the making of this fic!  
  
Mel: Now, where did they get to?  
  
Luth: You lost them?  
  
Mel: NO... I didn't exactly _lose _them! It was more of a, uh, misplacing of...  
  
Luth: You're 'opeless! ::looks into the empty room:: GASP! The duct tape's gone, too!  
  
Ness: ::enters with a much-too-pleased-to-be-normal-for-Ness face:: Hey guys! Just had a pleasant dream! They were all bound and gagged, and I was almost going to kill-

  
  
Luth: ::cuts off the dream:: Sorry, dear, no time to hear about it... SOMEBODY lost Leggy, Haldir, and the other elves!  
  


Mel: Hey! It wasn't my fault! I remember locking the door! There's no way they could have escaped!  
  
Luth: Really? Well, then, where's the key?  
  
Ness: ::looking uncomfortable and fidgeting with something in her pocket:: Look, a blue moose! ::points to the other side of the room::  
Mel&Luth: ::turn to look:: Where?  
  
Ness: ::drops the key::  
  
Mel&Luth: ::turn back at the sound of a key being dropped::  
  
Ness: Uh...oopsie-poopsie?   
  
Mel: ::tries to stay calm:: Nessa, have you been sleep-walking again?  
  
Ness: Yea, uh, about that dream...  
  
Luth: ::in hysterics:: What did you DO!?  
  
Ness: ::snortle...ptee ptee chee::   Run away!!! ::tries to gallop off::

Luth:   ::hockey-tackles Ness:: WHAT DID YOU DOOOOOOOOOO?!  
  


Mel:    ::giggle:: Doo doo

Ness: I didn't doo doo anything! 'Onestly!

Luth: ::Shakes Ness like a dysfunctional magic 8 ball who gives bad answers:: What...Did... You... DO?!

Ness:  .::All in one breath::. Well you see I just went into the room and I had ductape right there and and and I hockeyed them into the chairs and tied them up with all the duct tape there... Which was a lot mind you, you could pay a lot for that... But then I taped up their mouths... and hands... and I drew little happy faces on Haldir and some other assorted Elviepoos... And errr-

Mel- And err what to Legsie-pie?!?!

Ness- Err uh.. he wasn't there?

Mel- .::attempted Jim Belushi eyebrow lift::.

Ness- I kinda... errr... Drew red lady-like lips on the ductape covering his mouth, gave him eye shadow, undid his braids, took his quiver, gave him some blush, put tampons up his ears, then *tweak tweaked* the tips of his ears...

Mel and Luth- .::Double-blonde-glare-of-dim-and-doom::.

Enjoy!

**

_Do your ears point high,  
  
Do they almost reach the sky,  
  
Do you play with little knives,  
  
Do you have fangirl wanna-be wives,  
  
Do you nance upon the snow,  
  
Is your a diversion a wee bit slow,  
  
Do your ears point hiiiiiiiigh?_  
  
When the three girls and two hobbits finished their songs, they took deep bows. The rest of the fellowship stared at the performers. They were completely clueless as what to make of the five songs they had just heard.  
  
And that was our tribute to Legsie-love, Mandi informed the others, the cutest-  
  
And dumbest Liz mumbled  
  
-elf in the fellowship. Titled Do Your Ears Point High? As they did after the other tributes, the audience applauded.  
  
INTERMISSION! Sam yelled.  
  
Elbereth, that girl is loud. Aragorn said, wincing at the volume of the blonde. (A/Ness- Pfftch, loud... That doesn't even begin to describe the excruciating, buoyant, ear-drum-bashing... noise that emits from that chasm of a food entrance... Err I love you anyways mela Mel- gee thanx)  
  
 Yippee snacks! Merry and Pippin exclaimed excitedly.  
  
We have......food. Liz informed the group, looking over the menu of treats they had compiled on various boulders.  
  


Singing could be heard all around; Frodo was happily humming Ickle Bickle Widdle Hobbit, (Luth: Tune of Twinkle Twinkle Little Star) Gandalf was loudly mumbling POP, Goes the Wizard (Pop Goes the Weasel... If you didn't get that... Then you should be thwapped with a pineapple, then slowly sawed by a large salmon) through a cloud of smoke, Gimli was, yep you guessed it, grunting...The Itsy Bitsy Dwarf Lord (Itsy Bitsy Spider) and like true stubborn men Aragorn and Boromir pretended to forget how The Noble Dudes of Gondor (The Noble Duke of York) went.  
  
Wonderful performance ladies, I honestly did not believe you could pull off such a fantastic show, I especially like the decorations. Gandy stated, looking around at the squirming, chubby squirrels that were dangling by their tails.  
  


Liz stood back nostalgically, arms crossed, enjoying her fuzzy masterpieces, swaying in the breeze.  
  
Kudos mate! Its uncanny that you found the supplies to make such realistic squirrels! Sam beamed, proud of her friends ingenuity.  
  
What materials? I just went hun- err I mean yeah, uncanny...Im a regular MacGyver. She replied.   
  
So what sorts of snacks do we have my ladies? Samwise asked shyly.  
  
Well my dear hobbit, Mandi began, going into a Vana White mode, "We have fillet o squirrel, squirrel salad, squirrel gumbo, squirrel au flambé, squirrel steak with a hint of rosemary, and cheese.**  
**  
Hmm...I think Ill have...cheese.  
  
Once they were all properly fed, the squirrel left untouched, they got ready for the second half of the show.  
  


  
**  
  


  
After a great commotion from behind the bushes (Get out of the gutter would you!) Sam emerged wearing one of those Hello-Im-your-flight-attendant-and-Im-wondering-why-you-want-peanuts-when-youve-got-a-great-package-already smiles (Hello and welcome back to the gutter, its great to see you again, please enjoy your stay.)  
  
This portion of the night shall include a lovely tune for our bee-low-ved Samwise, a very grammatically incorrect elvish tune, words and phrases taken from Leggys diary...HI SWEETIE! Yah know I didnt think youd be that rambunctious at your dinner parties...((Pause for astonished and horrified look from Prince Nancling himself))... ahh where was I? Oh yes, the show will also include some side splitting zingers from our very own Lizzie-wizzie-bear.   
  
A cough emerged from the bushes signaling Sam to shut the hell up, followed by an angry Exit stage left! LEFT! as she glided to the right.  
  
The five-o emerged from behind the curtain, err...bush, after a few moments delay due to the fact that Pippin got into a fight with Sam about the color of a ripe strawberry and both had to be restrained before it turned physical. Keeping to their promise, Mandi, not Liz, was the spokesperson.  
  
Samwise Gamgee, this is for you babe._  
  
Id like to be, O yesserie,  
  
In Samwise Gamgees garden, in the shade.  
  
I would sprout, and sway about,  
  
The breeze a ticklin me away.  
  
O what joy, for every plant ahoy!  
  
Loving his shovel and spade.  
  
We would be so happy, Oh trust meee,  
  
In a garden run by ooour...Samwise Gamgee!_  
  
As the notes faded into the night the performers turned to the blushing hobbit the song was dedicated to, who was currently trying to stutter out a thank you.  
  
Well- It was- Its too great for me- What my old gaffer would say-  
  
Next on our menu, started Mandi schedule, she corrected after a jab in the ribs from Liz, who was currently inspecting a German, I mean Middle Earthian dung beetle and seemed to only be correcting Mandi out of habit. Our elvish song

(A/Ness- err... Mel, love... Stop writing when there seems to be 2 computers instead of one, mmk dearie? Mel: ::wobbles:: OKIES!)  
  
_Ro ne Telutinu en lokirim.   
  
Ro caellipsa.   
  
Lindor quen, Mani uma lle merna tenta?  
  
Ro quen lle sint  
  
En! Neuma!  
  
Ndu IKarneambara assa  
  
Yee! Ron rangwa lye?  
  
Uuner uma, noiouva, ndela nota  
  
Aiye, Ival entinta tengwanda suilpar!  
  
Itela!_   
  


The fellowship, including Merry and Pip sat there dumbstruck blinking likeChristmas lights, until Gimli, being the true dwarf that he is decided to break the silence by saying. Well, now that _that_ is over.  
  
Dina, Usquener. Mandi replied venomously.  
  
Now Mandus, Liz began in a mothering tone, what did I tell you about controlling your sadistic urges?  
  
Do it in moderation? she said tentatively  
  
Good girl**.**   
  
As exciting as those lessons were, and believe me they WERE. We need to get back to the show, Liz Ill open up for a couple of minutes while you get ready, now MARCH!  
  
Never again, Mandi, never again, I dont know what we were thinking when we let her be stage manager. Do you not remember the time she organized the wedding shower for your cows? Liz said as she made her way back sta- err bush.  
  
Ooopsies.  
  
Bloody possessive, demented control freak.... Liz mumbled.  
  
  
**  
  
  
Ok my fellow, fellowshippers, Sam began in a game show voice, this portion of our show is dedicated to something that is good for the heart, and great for the soul. No Im not talking about Kingsfoil, thats a weed; Im talking about laughter ladies and gents, laughter. Now heres our very own Liz with just what the doctor ordered.  
  
AHOY THERE ME HARTIES! And hello to you too Princess Legsalot, Im happy to be performing for you all, you guys ready?  
  
::chirp, chirp:: 

(Luth: that's exactly what goes on in my head during Chemistry...Ness-Geometry over here... And well... not what happens in Physio Mel- Hello Algebra!)  
  
ALL RIGHT my little cricket friends! Youre always ready! Now being in this fellowship Ive met a lot of new people, people of different races: elves, men, hobbits, but the most interesting would definitely have to be the dwarves. Dwarves, such hair! Such beards! Such...feminine...braids. Please someone explain the braids! To discern rank maybe? OOH! Ive got it! Since they dont have a built in trays, like us lady folk theyve incorporated new, stylish crumb-catchers! Catchers! Thats bloody well it, OR when theyre having dwarfy-se-

BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!.  
  
Whyre we out here anyway huh? she began after the foul beeping convict was bopped on the head, Ah yes, to destroy the Ring of power, I dont see why the Sauron fella wants his ring back so badly. I mean if I were a big glowing, orby eyeball hell-bent on DOMinating the world, I wouldnt be worried about a ring...for my nonexistent finger. Id be sending my minions out to the ends of Middle Earth for better things...like finger paint or...or VISINE!  
  
  
**  
  
  
As the night grew longer and longer in length until it past its majority and became late, Aragorn stood and addressed the fellowship,  
  
My companions, as much enjoyment as I have had this night, it is now time to rest for we have a long days journey ahead of us tomorrow.  
  
The group settled down to sleep, our heroines ::snort:: in a secluded corner

Well my pernicious, prickly, perpetrators Liz began in her cheap 50's movie evil villain scheming voice, "It seems our plan has worked, the traveling circus-  
  
I KNEW IT! Mandi cried, Gimlis a bearded lady! I had my suspicions ever since he-  
  
Ladies, Aragorn chastised, please, I beg of you settle down for the night. You will need your rest for tomorrow.  
  
Shove it Crookshanks, Sam said irritated that he thought they were weak, I dun need nuthin'.  
  
Cept hit on the head with a grammar book apparently. Liz mumbled.  
  
The ladies hunkered down soon afterwards with no further complaint and all was quiet...lets see how long that will last...  
  
Dun dun dun... Dun dun dun... Dun dun dun... ::blink:: ...I'm done. Thunder clap for good measure.  
  
**  
  
AHHHHHHHHHHH! NOOO! WHY?! WHY?!  
  
Mandi! cried Liz, Whats wrong! This had best not be like last time, I am NOT going to spend five hours writing down a list of suspects who used the last of your strawberry scented bubble bath again. (Luth: It was Samwise! He and Frodo! I know it was!)**  
**  
Guys, Mandi whimpered pathetically, It was HORRIBLE, she burnt the f-food, the shade, the...the RUM! was all she could get out before starting to sob uncontrollably.

BUT WHY?! Liz demanded, shaking her. But why is the rum gone!  
  
I ::sob:: dont KNOOOOOOOOOWWWWW! (A/Ness- Or no to Blair... Quick, someone get that girl a fork for her jelly...Mel- Mmk, Ill go to Paris, Spain and get one!)  
  
No. whispered Sam, pale with shock. No, its not possible, whatre we going to do?  
  
We have rum at the Green Dragon. Pippin said, trying to console the girls, and ale, and beer, and pipe weed, and sponge cake, oooh! And giant pumpkins!  
  
Pippin shh! Merry ordered, Youre not helping any.  
  
And so he wasnt, our girls looked down right distraught ::snort:: (What is it with all the snorting, Sammie dear?) poor little dears. The wailing of their three banshee chorus flew into the night like a greased badger (A/Ness- BADGER!) out of a cannon for all to hear.  
  
"Did you say sponge cake?" Liz whimpered  
  
Shh...girls Aragorn tried unsuccessfully to soothe them. It will be alright, but you must quiet yourselves, if any of the enemy are near we surely will be found.  
  
I DONT CARE! Liz wailed and with a flying tackle, the future king of Gondor was down for the count. Who cares about the stupid enemy?! The RUM is GONE!  
  
Legolas! Aragorn called, nursing his torso do something, they must be quieted down.  
  
How am I to accomplish that?!  
  
Sing something to them in elvish perhaps it will help to soothe their nerves. Who knew that rum could be so vital to ones way of life? (A/Ness- *wink*)  
  
I shall try Aragorn, if only to escape your fate. Lady Elizabeth is stronger than she appears apparently. The elf replied with a smile.  
  
Silence yourself and sing Legolas. Aragorn said huffily, still smarting from the ringer Liz put his Oh-so-_precious_ Male Ego through.  
  
As you wish my lord..._   
  
Kaima eithel, n'gorga,   
  
Ten'lle mellonae neva.   
  
Wanwa e'lisse'kamiels,   
  
Ar'lina en'rina.   
  
Kaima eithel_

The two noticed, as the sweet music faded into the distance, it seemed as if the girls had been driven into a hypnotic slumber.  
  
We must remember this in the future my friend, Aragorn whispered, It may prove useful.  
  
Aye, especially with Ladies Amanda and Samantha, by the Valar they are a tiring couple of edainmea. You may sleep, I will continue keeping watch. (Women)  
  
  
**  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Mel: Well? How was it, I hope not too bad. Umm since we haven't updated In FOREVER...deadlines? what are those...yes I am a hypocrite...but a hypocrite with good intentions I figure no time like the present for reviewer thank yous!!  
  
Luth: Oh, yes, deadlines... Hate 'em. Nasty little buggers. Oi! All the improper use of such a beautiful language in here! Readers are welcome to find an elvish site to translate, just for kicks and giggles. I'd say it'd be worth it! Unless, of course, you don't want to know the depth of our, er, 'problems'...  
  


  
Ness- Nasty little buggers... *grin* Err anywho! Sorry for spelling errors *doesn't glance in Mel's direction* Err and sorry it's taken so long for only this to be produced. Hope you liked it!! *cuddles Luth and Mel* We luff you!

Mel- ::sneaks in:: I kinda felt bad about not updating so I figured Id give elvish translations but shh!

The girls elvish song:

He was the Son of Snakes

He had soap

Lindor asked, what do you want for it?

He said, you know.

Look! A trap!

Down the robins hole

Eep! Can they understand us?

No one does, never will, dont worry about it

Behold! The sparkly alphabet soup!

The end!

Mandis response:

Silence smelly one!

The Lullaby:

Something to the extent of:

Sleep well, do not fear, 

for your friends are near. 

Be lost in sweet dreams, 

and songs of memory. 

Sleep well.

Thank you to:

**Radioactive Bubblegum**:

Mel- ::bounce:: YAY! THANX! ::bounce:: more people with multiple personalities...we need a club!!! WOOOOOOOOT!!! Heres the more you requested, hope its up to par!

Ness- Hmmm more... More nap time... Well any nap time would be nice *err* Right! Hehe thanks for reviewing my mildly-multi friend! Hope we're making you smile ^_^

Luth- Yes, MPD aka, More People Disturbed...inside my head! Mwahahaha! Thanx for your wonderful reviews! And thank you, and you, too...

**AMBER:**

Mel- WOOT! Down with the humorless bunch! Heh heh, I have discovered the loveliNess of Johnny Depp FYI...and yeah that has absolutely no correlation to whatever the review was about but woot! Sorry this took so long, kinda my fault...kinda the writer blocks fault...I took your advice about the pen and paper right beside the bed...thank you I have some interesting ideas already for the Lothlorien chappies and BEYOND! Blonde moments rock btw!

Ness- heheheh My gooberly Amber, how I lovest thee! Giving Sam ideas for the bed, eh? That had to be a chuckle XD Had to, sorry love! Hahahaha Thanks for being our little guinea pig, rat thinger... And my personal councilor at time. You rock, you really do. FYI- Dom apparently is a smoker now... odd... Just thought you should know... Thanks Amberpie, don't get in any strange accidents and not get in the news while youre out mmk?

Luth- Heh, obviously, I don't know you like Ness and Mel do... but thank you for the reviews, nonetheless!

**Cheryl: **

Mel-Teehee! Woot to the Leggyluvrs! But I must say my heart is deeply attached to the Marchwarden...Leggy is just the prince of my fantasies ::wink:: we updated...now its your turn!

Ness- Hey look, Snape and Lupin? Together? Can it be? YES! haha We can doooo it! I believe in us! hahaha Thanks for reading our story, time to plug yours.  GET IT TYPED!

Luth - Boo! Thanks for reading our lovely story. (I really suck at this sort of thing, and I'm sorry)

**ElvenQueenWren:**

Mel-I concur with you on a couple points as well...the books are definitely better, Tolkien is pure genius. This isnt really a point but at my work (cashier at a grocery store...oooh the glamour) I saw a guy that couldve passed for David Wenham I was like star struck! Umm...while I must testify that Legolas is definitely more than mildly attractive, although movie-wise a bit on the dense but deadly side, I am not a fangirl that will bawl over the fact that Orli is getting married (which hes not...from what I hear theyre taking it slow) I have no chance, I only wish to ogle...and slightly maim given the chance...Craig Parker is my lust object, I bequeathed Orli to Luth. The violets are bad comment is supposed to MEAN violence is bad...this is a true story...dont ask its safer that way. And to end it my granddaddy was in fact a VERY wise Irish man, apparently I act just like him at times.

Ness- *cough* Err... Bad thing to call Mel a fangirl, or a cheerleader... She freaks and gets on the debating self protection side... (Mel-and why shouldnt I Ness? Insult to my intelligence level as far as Im concerned)*silently agrees then gets thwapped and yelled at* She is very into the books too mind you... But... yes... Sometimes, surrounded by the two squealing blondes I just want to... Err... Hey look, pie. Yes I made the mistake of sitting betwix the two at ROTK... My arms are bruised, as well as my bubble. Constant reaching in front of me to grab each other and moan. *oi* Anywho, thanks for reading... Chocolate paint, whipped cream, ductape... Save me I am now GONE hahaha

Luth-  I completely agree with almost everything Mel said, so there's no reason to repeat. But I will say this... I really don't care if Orli gets married to that bit- err, whomever. I don't care that I'll never ever have a 'chance' unless I kidnap and brainwash him. I don't even care if his sexual preference is the same as mine (i.e. if he likes the boys) as my brother is constantly telling me. But, yea, he's just one of those people who are fun to look at, at least in my opinion.  And the fangirlNess is just for the story, more or less. I admit, Mel and I do get very, err, happy... but this story is an EXTREME exaggeration, mostly for kicks and giggles. But, thanks for the reviews, just the same! O yea... and about the violets... That's just something I say very often. Usually when Ness hits Mel, and I grab Ness and lecture her on how bad 'violets' are. Meaning, of course, violence.

**Lady Pirate 54:**

Mel- But of COURSE you can be in the story! Umm, I for one though have this thing with user names in stories...dunno why. So if you wanna be in the story, just send us an email at elfluvr2931@yahoo.com and give us your first name, a slight description of how you want to appear looks wise, and an interesting hobby or something of yours! Strider does seem to take the brunt of Ness anger huh? Sorry aboot that!

Ness- Sorry Miss Pirate... I meant no offense to the King, but I feel he is QUITE strong enough to take it... He's all strong and muscly and buff and... rangery... *sigh*

Luth- Hmm... wasn't your name just AnimeGirl? Or something like that? EEP! Good news! I got Mel and Ness to like InuYasha! Yay!...if indeed you are the Anime Girl. New episodes! ::is having trouble staying in seat because of excitement:: Thanks for the reviews! (Gawd, I love Yasha! Can't wait till we get to a certain well in a certain place! ::wink, wink::)

**Drazy:**

Mel- ::smacks:: Teehee, cant have you dazing during your ::dazes off:: -JOLT- during 

your thank you! Blondes UNITE! WOOOOT!!! Thanx love!

Ness- *shakes head* More dazing, pausing in the middle of sentences blondes. I surround myself with you all so I don't feel so bad when I blank out ^_^  Thanks for reading! And yes, you blondes have hilarious moments, especially when you don't realize what you've done wrong tee hee

Luth- YAY! Another blonde! What's with this stereotype, though? I mean, Mel and I are blonde, but we're also very intelligent. It's probably just because people are always making stupid...comments...about...being... hey look! ::just stares and doesn't let anyone know what to look at:: Oops. Uh, Teehee?

**LeaMarie F. Rocket:**

Mel- Here ya go love! Interesting is fun, no other way to be! Thank ya!

Nessa- If by interesting you mean "O my cheese how are these girls not in the padded rooms yet?" Then yes, you'd be right ~_^ Glad we caught your interest and continue to, we try!

Luth- In the words of Captain Jack Sparrow, "That's very interesting" thereby meaning that interesting is a good thing. ::shrugs:: don't ask... Thanks for the review!

**Lili:**

Mel- Short, sweet, and to the point review beautiful darling I love it! The total opposite of myself who rambles on....and on...and on...and on...and ::smacks:: shutting up

Ness- Wow I understood internet speak! We will continue as quickly as our little hairy bums can carry us!

Luth- Well, since you were polite, and did say "pls"... I suppose we can continue (slowly, but hey...) Thanks for the review.


	10. Singed Beards and Attempted Murder

A/N: Mel- We are not dead!!! I promise, and here's an update! I know I KNOW it's been absolutely FOREVER since out last one but we've just been kinda busy with work for some and vacations for others... that and we're lazy as all hell! ::sniff:: I'm all alone right now tho, Ness and Luth are at the beach together (I went in the beginning of July t'was fun!) So they told me to post and have fun! A happy birthday goes out to our dear Luth (It's tomorrow!!!) Please enjoy!!

Much love!

-Mel

Disclaimer: I own Harry Potter not Lord of the Rings! ::sees JK's lawyers advancing:: umm... on second thought, I just own err... well nothing actually. Also I do not own the piece from the WONDERFUL Monty Python and the Holy Grail that's used

No elves were harmed in the making of this fic:

Legolas: Could you explain this to me again, please?

Sam: xshakes head in frustrationx

Liz: Listen, elf-boy. The rules are simple. Samantha over there will ask you whether you want truth or dare. If you say truth, she'll blush and ask you a question. If you say dare, then she'll blush and make you-

Sam: xblushesx Okay, Liz. I think he gets it now.

Mandi: No, go on, this could be interesting.

Sam: Ok Leggy-love, truth or dare?

Legolas: Dare, I suppose.

Sam: xblushingx Ok as much as I'd like to use this dare for my own personal benefit, I dare you Sir Leggings to sing our dearest Mandi-pies, Happy Birthday.

Legolas: xblinksx It shall be my pleasure

_Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday to you_

_You'll never be as old as I am...but Happy Birthday dear Mandi,_

_Happy Birthday to you!_

What did you ladies think, I improvised a little

Mandi: xcatatonic statex

Review thingers:

GreenleafsLover:

**Luthien:** Oi, thanks for the review. Pay attention to the beeping oven. Don't burn your house down!

**Nessa:** I'm thinkin' it could be... Thilly Big Bad Wolf. Some advice for you dear, Always check after eating marshmallows... Yeaaah.

**Mel: **Ewww! You know my views on _that_ particular ship already ::shudder:: and I must comment on Liz's answer Lipth(s) are thexy right Luth? Thankee hun, and please please type... for me??

Rubber duckie lvr:

**Luthien:** Duct tape tickles your fancy, eh? It's too bad we didn't bring any to Middle Earth. Teehee that could have been really fun. xmaniacal laugh ensuesx

**Nessa:** I'm so proud that you can keep up with all my ranDOM, unfinished stories - Thanks for boosting our ego(waffles) and looks like I'll be slippin' Reddy some numbers before the seasons over, eh? Hehehe love ya girlie!!!

**Mel:** Mmm duct tape... whoa sorry slipped out a bit there. As for my ideas... you don't even _want_ to know BWAHAHHA!! Thanks Amber-pies!!

ANC13:

**Luthien:** Teehee. I love you too! You'd better update your story before I have Sam send her army of penguins after you!

**Nessa:** Thanks for reading and for the review. Hehehe I love Mandi too. Mandi tis just so loveable. She radiates cuddle waves. I swear, if you squint enough they show up like little rays of wee... Yep...

**Mel: **Thanks for the review, I concur with Nes... Mandi is just so... lovable like a little ball of fluff really, you just wanna pet and make weird coo-ing sounds

ABrandNewNorthstar:

**Luthien:** Woot! I'm your hero. Oh, I miss you, too! I'm glad that you are enjoying our story. xhugsx Hey, how's Arby's going? McD's is a bitch. Haha. Oh well. It's money, eh?

**Nessa:** Hehe thanks for reading Ashley. Hehe you best get back to work lil missy! looks at the rest of the things that need to be packed... but decides typing up these reviews would be sooo much more fun -

**Mel: **Ehh work, who needs it ::looks at bad grades on her report card:: umm... it is better to work maybe ::runs off to get uber amounts of books:: tell me, do you like working at Arby's? Because I know of a plan involving a cashier at a major grocery store and another worker at a competing fast food place... our I mean their plan... to take over the world! BWAHAHHA!!

**Ok MAJOR warning so that we don't get in trouble...uber amounts of swearing and a tad bit of violence occurs in this chapter...You have been warned... ok where is that last line from? Anyone who can tell me gets a wish to put in the story!**

"Eck! Stupid fucking light. Stupid ground, stupid grass, stupid clouds, stupid asshole touching my leg that won't be capable of touching anything in a minute if they don't get off NOW!" growled the scowling brunette.

"Oh, why don't you piss off? I'm not in the mood for you right now. I've got bigger problems, believe it or not" Sam retorted irritably.

"You both are going to have a problem in a minute. Nature's a ring-a-fekkin-dingin and you blubberous beasts bashing on my blatter is not exactly helping!"

"I'll give you a blubberous beast... HOCKEEEEEEEEEEEEYYYYYYYYYYY" Liz wailed banshee fashion and ran full tilt intending to smack into Mandi, who, used to this attack, sidestepped, causing Liz to plummet onto Sam instead.

"YOU FAT BITCH!! I didn't do anything to you!" She cried, yanking on Liz's locks.

"Owwwiieeeeeee" whimpered Liz.

"Whassa matter? Does that hurt?!" Sam mocked.

"Nah, it feels great!" Liz growled through clenched teeth.

"Enough with the sarcasm!" Sam screamed as she yanked even more.

"I've gotta piss like a monsoon!" Mandi announced, overbearing the other two's bickering.

"Geeeeeeeeee thanks for the discretion!" Sam yelled.

** THWAP **

"Now who's being sarcastic?!" Liz laughed, proud of the red mark Sam now sported across her face.

"AAIIIIIIIIIIIYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Sam bellowed, hurling herself at Liz. As she caught the flying blonde, both girls tumbled backwards, rolling over the four comfortable hobbits (looking awfully... almost disturbingly close and comfy) (A/N Luth-HOBBIT PORN!)

"Not so rough Mr. Frodo." Samwise mumbled groggily.

"I think I've...broken something..." Merry moaned from under the girls.

"Are you calling me fat??"

"Eep!" Merry cowered under Liz's Glare-of-Death.

"Listen here, Mr. Meriadoc. Just because you're cute and furry and ickle does NOT give you th-th-the right to t-t-taunt me and call me FAT. I'm not fat... A--a--am I?" Liz wibbled, her bottom lip trembling, eyes threatening tears.

"Oh no hunnie, don't you even think that" Mandi cooed, switching to Mum-mode.

"Yeah, it's not your fault furry midgets have no manners or tact." Sam said pointedly, glaring at the guilty looking hobbit.

"But he's right! I- I am F-F-F-FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT" Liz wailed.

"Your pardon, Miss Liz, but you misunderstood me!" Merry squeaked

His pathetic attempts were silenced by a crashing **THWAP** given by Liz, before she stomped off in a huff.

"Way to go midget" Sam scoffed at Merry.

"Shut up Sam, you're smaller than all of us you bouncing ponce" Mandi growled, following in Liz's footsteps.

"Oh go to hell Mandi, just because you have to fucking pee doesn't give you license to bitch out the whole world." Sam shot back, following her.

"I swear you have got to be the most hypocritical person alive. You wake up bitching and moaning and then tell _me_ not to. Oh you've got a lot of nerve."

"Yeah and you've got morning breath. Go away."

"You followed me. YOU go away."

"No, this is MY side of camp. You leave."

"Shut it, the both of you," Liz broke in, furiously. "This is MY bedroll, get off before I knock you both one."

The bickering between the beautiful maidens... and Liz xvomitx (x's compliments of Mandi)... continued for the entire two hours it took the fellowship to get packed up and ready to move out. The boys (excluding the hobbits who had already been briefed) were in for the shock of a lifetime when they awoke to the three in a tangled heap, fighting on the ground over who had used the last of the strawberry bath wash. The girls were only pacified when Frodo walked by, smelling rather strawberry-ish.

You may all be wondering just what bug had gotten into our girls' well oiled friendship. Well let us just say that circumstances, meaning two weeks of travel, and an unsuspected visit from Auntie Flow, were rubbing on their nerves a tad. (A/N Ness- A tad... pfft.) That's right Ladies and Gentle-Elves, our heroines were suffering from Pissy Maidenhood Syndrome, otherwise known as PMS. See most men would know that if one female is suffering from their monthly ailment, its best to stay clear of her. While with three...they should build bomb shelters and wear helmets. Every move is a gamble. Now, the men in our dear, sweet fellowship... well it shall suffice to say that they were not that bright.

**DUN DUN DUN!!!!**

"Honestly, now!" An extremely peeved Boromir spat at the fuming girls. It was now the unfortunate man's turn to make sure Liz, Mandi, and Sam didn't kill each other. Aragorn had taken the first 'shift' which ended when Liz managed to _accidentally_ break his nose with a rock she didn't realize she was carrying. Gandalf, being the brains of the operation, decided not to take a shift due to more "important matters". Gimli almost ended up killing them when he found Sam smashing his beloved ax against a rock and his braids singed at the ends (courtesy of Liz). Finally, Legolas gave up when his songs only proceeded to piss off the girls because they couldn't understand the words. "Do I have to separate you?"

"Feh. Like that would help," Mandi drawled, delicately tracing a finger on one of her arrows. The sun was starting to set, and was giving her a malevolent appearance.

"Hey!" Sam piped up. "I have one, too!" With her curls bouncing, she moved to present her own bow.

"I need no weapon to take care of you two!" Liz firmly stated, all the while moving her hand slowly to the hilt of her sword.

"Oh, for the love of taters!" Samwise shouted from a safe distance. "It breaks my little heart to see such good friends bickering so!"

All attention shifted to the, now, very uncomfortable hobbit.

"Hey, those witches are _not_ my friends," Sam barked at Samwise.

"You're the witch, ya... er... witch," Mandi yelled at Sam.

"OOOO, nice comeback!"

"She is a witch! She turned me into a newt!"

Slowly, heads inclined toward Liz.

"A newt?" Merry asked from beside Samwise.

Lizzie blinked and shrugged. "I got better."

"Uh-huh... Maybe you three just need to work out your differences," Samwise said rather hesitantly.

Sam grabbed an arrow out of her quiver and nocked it. "Dammit! Stop telling me what to do! You stupid piece of monkey cheese..." the blonde mumbled as she drew the arrow back.

Off in the distance, Samwise gulped.

**TWANG**

An arrow whizzed past Sam's ear (the, er, taller Sam) and landed somewhere around Samwise's feet.

Everybody turned around. Sam lowered her bow and let the arrow fall to the ground.

Mandi had a horrified look on her face, and a twanging bow in her hand.

"I always said she'd be the first of us to try to kill somebody," Lizgleefully informed the shocked group.

Without wasting any time, the assaulting blonde ran up to the shaking hobbit, threw her arms around him, and started muttering never-ending apologies.

"You almost killed him!" Sam screeched at a hysterical Mandi.

She sobered right up. "HEY! YOU aimed at him too!"

"You're right, I did. And_ I_ probably would have hit my mark!"

"CHOCOLATE!" Lizzie yelled, rather ranDOMly. The confused blondes (Luth-don't say a word!) looked at their _'on a normal day'_ friend who had a blissful look on her face.

"Why the ding-dong did you say that?" Mandi asked curiously.

Liz wasn't listening, but staring with an open drooling mouth up ahead. Just in front of the fellowship was a large rock. On top of the large rock was a small plate. Sitting on the small plate was a delicious-looking chunk of chocolate.

"Guys, doesn't that seem a bit suspicious?" Sam pondered, showing uncharacteristic wariness.

Mandi looked at Sam and with uncharacteristic disregard for common sense chimed in, "That's not suspicious, it's delicious!"

Without any further questioning, the girls ran over Boromir, hurtled the hobbits, grounded the dwarf, nanced around the elf, and sprinted for the hunk of heaven being chocolate. As they greedily stuffed their faces with huge satisfying bites of the stuff, Gandalf and Aragorn came out from behind the rock.

"Feeling better?" Gandalf asked with that damned twinkle in his eye.

The girls bared a chocolate-y smile before going to devour more.

The two wizened men looked at each other. "Three," Gandalf whispered.

"Two," Aragorn followed suit.

"One," they both said. When they looked back to the girls, the monstrous bitches had been subdued. In their places were three angelically sleeping/snoring, uh, angels with chocolate around their faces that gave them a look similar to Aragorn.

"Quickly, now they won't be down for long. That dose was only enough to keep an oliphant down for an hour."

"Brilliant," Legolas commended the wizard. "But how did you know what their weakness would be?" He said looking at the pile of dark stuff.

Gandy's eyes twinkled the hell out of the elvish princeling before he replied, "I have my ways."

A/N Mel- Ok wow, I swear I am not that much of a bitch...even during my monthly time. But do you know how much fun it is to portray yourself like that? My answer...so much! I noticed a severe lacking of reviewers last chappy, I hope it wasn't that awfully bad or that we haven't driven you lot away by our lack of update-age we will try our hardest (we will we will!!!) to update soon! But in the meantime... Happy trails today and until we next meet for... Three Girls, No Guys, and a Piece of Cardboard! ::dramatic banging of computer desk...I mean music::

Alter ego- Don't try the TV announcer thing, It doesn't work for you ::mutters:: moron

Mel- You're always so mean to me... and to think I let you occupy the space left in my head

Alter ego- Yeah and it's quite a lovely 4 bedroom apartment I have up here too...

**REVIEW PLEASE!!**

No really

**PUH-LEAAAAAASSE!!!**

Elves and Spoons,

Mel, Luth and Ness

Mel- ::sneaks in:: Psst! Psst! Ok this story is for all of my fellow shippers...if any read this. It's a Harry Potter slash story between Sirius and Remus it's just a fluffy little ficlet (prolly 3 chappies) that I wrote and the first chapter is posted already. It's called **Hiding Here, There, and Everywhere** by well... me. If you're interested please read it and let me know what you think, toodles!

::hangs head in shame for plugging her own story::


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